


Central City on the Edge of Forever

by helsinkibaby



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Hand-wavey Science, Het, Rare Pair, Romance, Time Travel, original character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-08-10 00:20:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 42,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7822975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/helsinkibaby/pseuds/helsinkibaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Caitlin gets stranded twenty years in the past, she has to pick herself up and go on with her life. Turns out fate, in the form of someone she already knows, is there to lend her a helping hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a play on the Star Trek episode, "City on the Edge of Forever" which, for the uninitiated, also features time travel and romance, though it ends slightly differently here.
> 
> This is AU from approximately after the two Earth 2 episodes of season two. There are some aspects of subsequent episodes mentioned, but most importantly in this universe, Barry was persuaded to leave the breaches closed and Earth 2 alone.

She didn't go into work that day, didn't even call in sick. In fact, she booked the day off, listened to her co-workers tease her about a day off mid-week, wondering if she had a hot date, some gossip that she was refusing to tell them about. Her silence on the matter, her quiet shake of the head, only served to convince them that she was definitely hiding something and their banter became ever more bawdy and raucous as the date in question approached. 

She didn't actually mind - she actually appreciated the distraction. 

Not that anything of the kind was going to happen. No, she spent her day off sitting on her couch, watching the clock as the minute hand worked its way around, her heart thudding heavier in her chest with every passing hour, her stomach churning incessantly. 

When the hour that she remembered finally appeared on the clock, she closed her eyes and let the tears fall. 

Then she waited for the phone to ring. 

But it didn't. 

Instead, just as the sun faded from the sky and the room began to dim, there was the unmistakable sound of running footsteps in the hall outside and her head whipped around as she recognised the footfall. By the time the key turned in the lock, she was on her feet, her knees wobbling as she struggled to breathe, praying that they would hold her up. 

Then he was standing in front of her, the slam of the door echoing between them and he was breathing hard, as hard as the pounding of her heart. 

"You're here." His eyes wide, his face ashy, his voice was barely a whisper but she heard it, felt it in every nerve of her body. "You're still here... I was afraid..." His voice trailed off at the sob that tore itself from her throat and he wasted no time crossing the room, pulling her against him. Her arms went around his waist as she buried her head in his chest. One of his arms was around her shoulders, the other cupping the back of her head and he held her tight, like he was afraid she'd disappear at any time, like she was something that he couldn't stand to lose. 

She was holding him the same way. 

He held her until she stopped sobbing, until she was able to lift her head and look at him through eyes that were still filled with tears. He cupped her face in his hands, used the pads of his thumbs to wipe her tears away, stared down at her and his face was a question. 

"This is it?"

She nodded, the weight of the question making her knees weaker still and it felt like she would have fallen were it not for his hands on her cheeks, his gentle touch holding her up, as it had for so many years now. 

She wasn't sure what he'd say to that, although she'd imagined this moment so many times.

As it happened though, he didn't say anything. He just pulled her against him again and she went willingly, not sure which of them was trembling more. 

"It's going to be ok," he whispered eventually and she closed her eyes and let herself hope that he was right. 


	2. Day One

"Miss? Miss?"

There was something about the voice that was familiar, though try as she might, Caitlin couldn't place it. That might have been something to do with the fact that she was preoccupied with trying to open her eyes because they felt as if they were frozen shut, frozen like the rest of her body. She couldn't understand why she felt so cold, why her body ached as if she'd just been beaten all over. The voice came again, the same word, this time accompanied by a hand to her shoulder and she moved her head, wincing as her cheek scraped against cold, unforgiving asphalt. She was lying on the ground, she realised, outside somewhere if the temperature was anything to go by and that didn't make sense because just a few moments ago she'd been inside, she'd been at work...

"Miss?"

The voice was still familiar and when she managed to finally prise open her eyes, the blurry figures she saw were ones she recognised too, or at least she thought she did. It was one figure, she knew that, as clear a case of double vision as she'd ever had, but what she was seeing wasn't right, couldn't be right, because it didn't make any sense for him to be there either. "Wally?" Her voice was a mumble, even to her own ears, barely recognisable as a name. The man's fingers tightened on her shoulder and when his features came into focus, two figures merging to become one, she realised that it wasn't Wally. 

The resemblance, though, was remarkable. 

Frowning, she let him help her into a sitting position, her blood running cold as she realised that whoever this was, he was wearing a cop's uniform. Her gaze fell on the badge on his chest, the same Central City Police Department shield that Cisco was so proud of possessing, and across from it, there was a shiny rectangular name badge. The letters swam in her vision as she tried to make sense of them because they couldn't read what it appeared they read. 

But yet they did, four letters that were an impossibility. 

W-E-S-T. 

"Joe?" The name fell from her lips without conscious thought, even though she knew it couldn't be. The Joe West she knew was a detective, was a good twenty years older than the man she saw kneeling in front of her. But the voice, the voice was the same, and the resemblance to Wally...

His fingers tightened on her shoulder, his face drawing into a frown that was unmistakeably angry. When he spoke, his tone matched his expression, matched the ever tightening grip on her shoulder. "How do you know my name?" he demanded. His other hand moved to her other shoulder, his fingers digging into her skin and she bit her lips because his grip was actually painful. "Is it Francine, is that it? Are you one of her junkie friends?" He actually shook her when he mentioned his wife's name; Caitlin didn't even think that he was aware that he'd done it. 

"No!" Instinct made her struggle against him, her hands moving up in a futile effort to break his hold on her. "I don't know Francine... I'm not... let me go!" He didn't loosen his grip, not until she continued with, "Please, you're hurting me!"

Tears were blurring her vision so she couldn't see his face clearly but she felt his hands leave her shoulders, heard a deep whoosh of breath as he heaved a sigh that seemed to come from the depths of his soul. His hands went to his knees, hers to her cheeks as she wiped the tears away. Covering her face with her hands, she took a deep breath, fighting back a yelp as her ribs screamed in protest. Shifting, she touched the site of the pain, closing her eyes as there was another stab of pain. Bruised, definitely, she thought, but probably not broken. 

She chanced a glance back at Joe, saw that he was looking at her with a confused look on his face that was all at once strange and familiar. Strange, because he looked so much younger. Familiar because it was the one he habitually wore whenever Cisco or Barry or she herself began expounding on some scientific theory that he'd never entertained outside one of Barry's episodes of _Star Trek_.  "Are you hurt?" he asked her, jerking his chin towards her fingers and she shook her head, regretting the motion when the earth tilted underneath her. 

"No," she whispered. He raised his eyebrow, as if to ask if she was sure, and a faint smile came to her lips. "Just a little bruised. I'll live."

A thin line appeared between his eyebrows, one that deepened as he helped her to her feet and she was unable to keep a whimper of pain from crossing her lips.  "Do you know who did this to you?" 

"I can't remember." Which happened to be the God's honest truth. She looked around her for clues, finding that they appeared to be in an empty lot, nothing to be seen but stony ground, pockmarked with puddles, a chain link fence in the distance that looked like it had seen better days. "Where am I?"

"Central City." She narrowed her eyes in irritation at the obvious answer and he  inclined his head as if conceding the point. He named a location then, one that made the earth tilt even more precariously underneath her, made her breath catch in her throat as a roaring sound filled her ears. If the look of alarm on his face was anything to go by, she'd bet that all the blood had just drained from her face - it certainly felt that way. "Miss?" he said and his hands were back on her shoulders again, this time possibly - no, she thought, definitely - the only thing keeping her upright. 

She knew that location; knew it well. 

It was the site of S.T.A.R. Labs. 

"Miss?" 

"What..." Her tongue snaked out, licked suddenly dry lips, her throat equally dry. "What year is this?" 

Joe looked at her like she was insane, but he answered the question. "1996," he told her. 

The look of confusion on his face changed rapidly to one of alarm and that was the last thing she saw before blackness overcame her. 

*

When she once more became aware of her surroundings, it was to a familiar antiseptic smell and she opened her eyes, fully expecting to see Cisco and Barry looking down at her. She was ready to laugh with them about the crazy dream she'd had and what crazy science had Cisco been playing with to knock her out like that. She fully intended on playing the guilt card; it was probably good for a week's worth of free coffee, at least. 

But then she opened her eyes and found herself in a hospital bed. 

She squeezed them shut quickly, hoping that if she opened them just one more time it would all have been a dream. But when she peeked again a moment later, there she was, lying in what looked for all the world like a cubicle in an emergency room. There were monitors at either side of her but none that she was hooked up to and a glance under the scratchy bed covers showed her that she was still wearing the clothes she'd been wearing when she'd found herself here, wherever - or more to the point, whenever - here was. Taking a deep breath, she ran a hand over her face, cataloging what she knew, what she remembered. 

She had been in STAR Labs with Cisco and Barry, she knew that much. One of Cisco's do-dads that he'd set up to do only he knew what had been giving off strange readings in one of the sub-levels and they were trying to track it down. They'd been walking down a corridor when all of a sudden the machine in Cisco's hand had emitted a piercing shriek and they'd all looked at it in horror. Then there had been a roaring noise, followed by a whoosh and the next thing Caitlin knew, she was lying outside on the ground and a Joe West twenty years younger than the man she knew was looking down at her. 

She closed her eyes again, forcing herself to slow down, to remember more. That was when it came to her, a sight she'd only seen for a split second, a shimmer in the air in front of her, slightly like the breaches through to Earth 2. Which she knew was an impossibility - all those breaches had been closed and they had all agreed that, Barry's guilt issues and thoughts about re-opening the breaches to vanquish Zoom once and for all notwithstanding - they would stay that way. This breach looked different though, and as she'd looked at it, it had stretched and elongated, before a whoosh of air had emerged - so that, she thought, was where the noise came from - and that current had enveloped her, picked her up and sent her here.  

Caitlin whispered a word that she would never  normally use, one that even as an adult would have had her mother threatening to wash her mouth out with soap. A breach then, this time in time rather than in reality, and she'd had the sheer bad luck to get caught up in it. A shudder ran through her as she thought back to what Joe had told her, that the year was 1996 - she'd been nine then, and while she remembered plenty about her own life, the state of world affairs in general had pretty much  passed her by. Still though, if there was one thing she knew, it was that Cisco would be looking for her and he wasn't going to find her while she was lying in a hospital bed. 

Figuring that when it came to hospital procedures,  things couldn't have changed much in twenty years, she stood up carefully, waited until she was sure she wasn't going to collapse before she took a step towards the curtain, peeked around it. The room outside was a typical emergency room, bustling with  people, none of whom were taking any notice of her so she was able to slip out without any trouble whatsoever, walking slowly and confidently, as if she had every right to be there. 

Still she held her breath until she got outside and looked around her. Night was beginning to fall, the sky slowly darkening and a glance at her watch proved useless - according to that, it was still early in the afternoon. Which, seeing as she and Cisco and Barry has been searching STAR Labs first thing in the morning, that made sense. She'd been here only a few hours then, but the knowledge didn't make her feel any better and the reality of the situation - that she was alone, in a time where she didn't know anyone - was only partly to blame for the chill she felt. The temperature was starting to drop and in her sleeveless dress, it wasn't going to be long before she felt the effects. She needed shelter, needed to find some soon so she gritted her teeth and put one foot in front of the other. 

And stopped when she heard a familiar voice. 

"Miss?"

She spun around, crossing her arms over her chest and staring at Joe. The voice was the same but the face... Her head swam with the conflicting information and she clenched her fists, her nails digging painfully into her skin and bringing her back to herself.  "Hello," she heard herself saying. 

Joe cocked his head to the side, looked her up and down. "They released you already?" 

Caitlin nodded quickly. "Yes. Yes. Good to go. Perfectly fine. Thank you for getting me here. At least I assume..."

"I called an ambulance when you collapsed at the lot," he told her. "I was just coming back to see how you were, see if you remembered how you got there."

She shrugged her shoulders exaggeratedly. "Just a prank that went wrong," she said and Joe frowned. 

"That's not what you said earlier." He took a step towards her, she took one step back. Instantly he stopped where he stood, raised his hands towards her. He thought she was afraid of him, she realised, and even while she was trying to figure out how to deal with that, he was speaking again. "Look, Miss, I understand you're scared of someone. But whoever it was who did this to you, who left you there, we can protect you." He shifted on his feet and the light of a nearby streetlamp glinted off the badge he wore on his chest. 

"Why do you think someone..."

She stopped talking when he gestured to her arms, scraped and bruised. She knew, without even glancing, that her legs were in a similar state. "Someone's obviously hurt you," he pointed out. "But it's my job to help you."

He was so sincere, so like the Joe she knew, the caring, protective Joe that Barry and Iris had always told her about, that tears stung Caitlin's eyes. "I'm really ok... officer." She stumbled over his name, almost calling him Joe before she caught herself and she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I should go," she said, even if she didn't know where and maybe he heard that in her voice. 

"You got some place to stay?" She nodded, forced a smile to her lips and he narrowed his eyes. "You don't have a place to stay."

Caitlin pressed her lips together. "I'll find somewhere." 

Joe blew a thin stream of air out between his lips, looked up to heaven and shook his head. "Look," he said, "I'm not trying to be inappropriate. But I have a spare room. You can sleep there tonight." 

That was an offer that didn't exactly surprise Caitlin, knowing what she knew about Joe, but she also knew it was one she shouldn't accept. It was one thing for Joe to come across a strange woman in the course of his shifts, the odds were that he wouldn't even remember her in two decades' time. But if that woman went to his house, if he actually talked to her, questioned her... Caitlin's mind swam with all the time line altering paradoxes that she could create without even knowing it. Casting about for a reasonable explanation for why someone in her predicament would turn down an offer from a good Samaritan, Caitlin rubbed her forehead. "What about-" she was about to say, "your daughter" but stopped herself quickly. Joe frowned and she glanced at his left hand, saw the familiar band of gold there. "Your wife," she continued. "Won't she have something to say about you bringing strange women into her house?"

Joe looked down. "My wife is gone," he told her quietly and the pain in his voice stung her. She knew that pain, even if she also knew that Francine wasn't dead. Not even Joe knew that, not at this point in time, not for sure. "And my little girl is on vacation with my parents." He held up his hands again, this time almost in surrender. "Look, I know this sounds like the start of a bad horror movie..." Caitlin laughed at that because she was already deep into her own horror movie and he had no idea. "But you look like you need help." 

There was nothing she could say to that except, "OK." 

"OK." He looked surprised that she'd given in so easily but he didn't argue with her. "My car's this way." He extended an arm and she fell into step beside him. "You know," he said, almost conversationally, "I never got your name." 

She thought quickly. "Cait," she said. "Cait Raymond."

"Joe West," he said and she fought back a hysterical giggle, grateful that his car was close. He opened the door for her and she got inside, more grateful still when his first task was to fiddle with the heater, to have a blast of warm air hitting her skin. Crossing her arms over her chest, she turned her head away from him, instead looking out on the lights of Central City flying past them, mentally cataloging what changes she could see, trying to drag any vestiges of memory to the surface. 

She didn't have much luck. 

And when she got to the West house, her breath caught in her throat. 

From the outside it looked exactly the same and even on the inside, not much had changed. The same dinner table that had groaned so many times under the weight of Iris's cooking still stood in the same place, likewise the couch - albeit a different couch, one that looked far more threadbare. The immediate difference she noticed was the walls; a child's works of art took pride of place, joined by photographs of a chubby cheeked baby, a grinning toddler, a gap toothed little girl who was the light of her daddy's world. 

Caitlin fought the urge to faint with everything she had. 

The click of a key in a lock caught her attention and she half turned to see Joe putting his gun and holster into a drawer, locking it after him and putting the key back in his pocket. That done, he turned around and looked her up and down, blinking as if he was surprised to see her there. "Sorry about the mess... I wasn't exactly expecting company." 

"It's fine." She'd seen far worse - she'd called to Cisco's place unexpectedly once and had lasted five minutes before she'd eagerly accepted his offer to go out for coffee. The memory caused a lump to rise up in her throat and she was so busy trying  to suppress it that she almost missed his next words. 

"You hungry?" he asked her and the mere thought of food made her stomach gurgle. She blushed both at the sound and his smile and he pointed with his thumb in the direction of the kitchen. "I was just gonna nuke some frozen pizza in the oven..."

Caitlin smiled. "That sounds good. Thank you." 

Joe nodded. "Make yourself at home," he told her, waving his hand in the direction of the couch. 

When he came back into the room, she'd just about made herself sit down, back ramrod straight, not touching the back of the couch because she had a horrible feeling that if she let herself get too comfortable she might actually fall asleep. "I... uh..." Joe shifted on his feet, glanced over his shoulder. "I usually have a shower... unless you want to..."

"Go ahead." Caitlin gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "I promise not to sneak off with your stereo." 

It was only when the words were out that she thought that it mightn't have been the best thing to say to a cop who had welcomed her into his home but he didn't look affronted by it. "Good to know," was all he said and he turned then and walked up the stairs like it was the most natural thing in the world. 

While he was gone, she busied herself with a newspaper from the pile on the coffee table, reacquainting herself with life in 1996. She only had vague memories of some of the stories - the only Clinton she recalled running for President was Hillary - and she knew that if she was going to pass as someone from this time period, she needed to know more than that. The thought that she might be stuck her for an undetermined length of time made her stomach churn in a way that had nothing to do with hunger and she sent a silent prayer up that Cisco was working some magic somewhere, somewhen. 

Just like in college and med school when she was studying, the world slipped away from her and she actually jumped when Joe's footsteps sounded on the stairs behind her. He'd changed out of his uniform into jeans and a t-shirt and in his hands he carried a neatly folded stack of clothes. "I, uh... I thought you might like a shower," he said, holding out the bundle to her. "There's a t-shirt and some sweatpants here..." He looked her up and down, shrugged. "They're probably going to be too big..."

Caitlin looked at him then pointedly down at herself and the obvious understatement made her laugh. Joe looked slightly abashed. "Not a lot of ladies' clothes around here," he said quietly and she nodded, swallowing hard as she remembered the reason why. 

"Thank you," she said quietly, taking the clothes and making for the stairs, pausing only when he called out to tell her exactly where the bathroom was. 

The shower was just what she needed and when she came back down again, she felt almost human. The pizza was already cooling on a large plate on the dining room table and she made her way into the kitchen where Joe was taking a knife out of a drawer. "Good timing," he said.  "I hope you're hungry." 

That was an easy question to answer. "Starved." 

Joe went to the refrigerator, grabbed a beer and when he held it up to her, she hesitated for only a second before nodding. She usually wouldn't but after a day like today, she needed something to calm her nerves. Without thinking, she moved to the cupboard where Joe usually kept the glasses - she'd been in the West house often enough that she felt comfortable helping herself, all the STAR Labs gang did - and she only realised what she was doing when she heard him say, "If you want a glass, they're in the cupboard beside..."

His voice trailed off and she turned, fingers curling around one of the glasses, ready to take it down, and met his gaze. His brow was knit in a puzzled frown, the one he usually got when Cisco launched into one of his scientific explanations but there was an air of suspicion there too. It took Caitlin a second to recognise that she'd seen that expression before too, when Joe was listening to the man who had duped them all into believing that he was Harrison Wells. "Lucky guess," she said, smiling weakly, and he nodded but she could tell he didn't believe a word of it. 

"Yeah," he said. "Lucky." She was sure he was going to say something then, call her on how she knew that, on who she was, but instead he simply tilted his head in the direction of the dining room. "C'mon... Pizza's getting cold." 

They ate in silence, the pizza tasting more or less like cardboard but Caitlin was so hungry she didn't care. When only the crusts remained, Joe leaned forward, made his move. "So... Cait..." The name sounded strange on his tongue and she fought very hard not to shudder. "You want to tell me who you really are?" 

Caitlin's heart gave a painful judder in her chest and she clutched the square of kitchen roll she'd been using as a napkin tightly. "I don't know..." she began and he didn't let her finish. 

"You knew my name." His words are quiet, his eyes serious and for just a second she sees a flash of the detective he will become. "Back in the lot, when you first woke up. And just now, you knew where to find the glasses before I told you." He held her gaze; his was steady, she knew hers must look terrified. "Have you been to my house before?" 

She shook her head. "No."

His nostrils flared with disgust, the way they always did - will do? - when Barry came up with a particularly hare-brained scheme. "Whoever you are," he said flatly, "you're a pretty crappy liar." 

Caitlin dipped her head, pressed her lips together and took a deep breath. She heard Joe's chair scrape across the floor, gasped as he took her wrists in his hands and - gently she noted - pulled her arms straight. 

She only realised what he was looking for when he asked, "Did Francine bring you here?" 

She pulled her hands back from his grasp. "I already told you," she said, aware of the indignation creeping into her voice, "I've never met your wife." 

Something flashed in his eyes, causing the hairs on the back of Caitlin's neck to stand up. "I never said Francine was my wife." 

Which of course he hadn't, but that at least was easy to refute. "Who else would she be?" Caitlin asked, crossing her arms over her chest to hide them from his gaze, but a gesture which she also hoped would be taken as one of indignation. She held his gaze, didn't look away even if it did make her head swim slightly - those eyes were still the same, twenty years later, and seeing them in a face so much younger, her age at that, was enough to knock the breath out of her lungs. 

Joe looked away first and Caitlin knew that should have been a victory. It didn't look feel like that though, not when he looked down, ran his index finger along a groove in the dark wood of the table. "Fair enough," he said, his lips pressed into a thin line. "Francine is my wife. And she got mixed up with some pretty sketchy people." He swallowed hard, blinked rapidly and Caitlin's stomach sank as she realised he was fighting for control. "If you know Francine... if those are the people who are scaring you, who hurt you... I can help you." 

The words "the way I couldn't help her," went unsaid but Caitlin heard them loud and clear anyway. She gripped her glass tightly, brought it to her lips and took a sip, buying herself time - and maybe him too - before she answered. "I don't know Francine," she told him again finally. He looked up, dark eyes meeting hers in the dim light and she heard the words leave her lips without even thinking about them. "I don't know where she is. I'm sorry." 

He took a sharp breath at that, leaned back in his chair and rubbed his hand over his lips. His eyes never left hers and she saw doubt and suspicion and a vague tinge of something that looked very like hope. "Ok," he said eventually, bringing his bottle to his lips and draining it. It was replaced on the table with a thunk and a shudder and then Joe stood up. "It's late... we should turn in." When Caitlin nodded and stood, reaching for the plates, he held up his hand. "You go on... I'll tidy here." 

She knew she should protest, knew she should help him. 

Instead, coward that she was, she fled up the stairs. 


	3. Day Two

She would have liked to say that she slept well but that would have been a lie, because her sleep was filled with dreams as strange as they were terrible. Dreams where she was working in STAR Labs, Barry on the treadmill, Cisco and Harry at either side of her, carrying on the kind of conversation that they'd had dozens of times since closing the breaches had left Harry and Jesse as some sort of refugees in their world. Except that this time, the world began to shimmer around her, her friends, hell the very walls and equipment of STAR Labs disintegrating into tiny particles of dust that blew around her, making her eyes water, leaving her standing alone in the same deserted lot where Joe had found her. 

Except that this was worse than reality because, as she stood and looked helplessly around there, there was a familiar crackle of lightning, a flash of blue light and a terrible, rasping voice that changed slowly into one that she knew, knew well, one that used to whisper tender words into her ears. In her dream, she closed her eyes but then electricity danced along her skin and when she opened her eyes again, there was Jay in Zoom's suit, mask off and a cruel smile on his face that she'd never seen...

She woke then, sitting bolt upright in bed with a start and a whimper. Her hands were shaking when she lifted them to her cheeks, and her cheeks were wet with tears. Which wasn't exactly a new occurrence - since she'd seen Zoom's hand pierce Jay's chest, she'd had nightmares. Cisco's revelation when he'd touched Jay's helmet days later, his stunned realisation that Jay and Zoom were one and the same had raised the level of the nightmare quite a bit. Then as now, she told herself firmly that it had only been a dream, that Jay - Zoom, she reminded herself, she'd never known the real Jay Garrick, had been told more lies than she could keep up with - was trapped on Earth 2 and that, much as she wanted answers about who the man she'd fallen in love with really was, how he'd managed to be in the same place as Zoom on more than one occasion, she would never get them. Short of Barry re-opening the breaches - and goodness knows, it had been hard to talk him out of it - she would never see him again, and she was fine with that. 

Of course, if she was trapped twenty years in her past, she wouldn't see any of her friends again, or at least not for a very long time. The thought brought fresh tears to her eyes and she fought against the wave of despair that threatened to crash over her. 

A tentative knock on the door startled her, had her swiping at her eyes. "You awake?" The door didn't open, the voice muffled by the thick wood but she called out a shaky affirmative. There was the shortest of pauses before Joe spoke again. "I'll make breakfast... You can come down whenever you're ready." 

If she waited until she was ready, she knew she'd be in that bed all day so she took several deep breaths, reciting the periodic table of elements as she did so. It was a trick she'd learned in med school, one that had never failed her before, one that didn't now. Still, her legs felt distinctly rubbery as she walked down the stairs and she held on to the banister with a tighter grip than usual, trying to tell herself that it was just hunger and low blood sugar causing her weakness, not this strange new - old? - world that she'd somehow fallen into. 

Joe was already halfway through a bowl of cereal when he looked up at her and gave her a tight smile, pushing a chair out for her with one foot. "Cereal ok?" he asked and she nodded, pulling out the chair and dropping down into it gratefully. 

"Thank you," she said, selecting the box of "Lucky Charms", failing not to think of Cisco as she did so. He had something of an addiction that to that cereal and she'd lost count of how many half finished bowls of it she'd found around STAR Labs. Which was gross, she knew, but not half as gross as the times when hunger had got the better of him and he'd resorted to eating a fistful of it literally out of the palm of his hand. Her stomach churned just thinking about it and she poured an extra generous splash of milk into her bowl by means of compensation. 

She was so lost in her thoughts, her memories, that Joe's next words came as a complete shock. 

"Who's Zoom?"

She actually jumped, dropped her spoon against her bowl with a clatter. Her eyes flew to his face, her heart tripling in time and she knew that her eyes were wide and scared, knew she must look terrified. "Where did you... How..." Her voice sounded weak even to her own ears, fear in every syllable and somewhere in the back of her mind, Joe's expression - the surprise in his eyes, the guilt in his frown - registered, told her that whatever he was expecting, this wasn't it. 

"Cait, relax." He leaned forward in his chair, his hand closing over hers. His skin was warm, his touch a combination of gentless and strength. Her eyes fell down to their joined hands and he moved his away quickly, like he was afraid he'd offended her or something. "I heard you... last night." He shifted in his seat, suddenly uncomfortable. "I wasn't trying to... Look, I'm a dad who usually has a little girl down the hall, I know what nightmares sound like." A wry smile twisted his lips. "I was standing in Iris's room last night before I realised that the noise was from across the hall." 

His eyes - the same eyes that she remembered - told her loud and clear that this was the truth. She nodded slowly to let him know that she believed him, took another deep breath, then another, in an attempt to calm her racing heart. 

While she was doing that, Joe tried again. "Is he a dealer?"

She narrowed her eyes, didn't try to hide her frustration when she said, "I told you. I'm not an addict." And what she was, she thought to herself, he would never believe. 

Of course, if the look in his eyes was anything to go by, he didn't believe her when she said she wasn't an addict either. He was currently giving her a look that she'd only recently seen directed at the Earth 2 version of Harrison Wells.  "So," he said, leaning forward, arms on the table, hands joined as if in prayer, "what are you, Cait Raymond?"

"Lost." The word fell from her lips without her even having to think about it. A lump rose up in her throat as tears stung her eyes. She looked down and swallowed hard, refusing to fall apart in front of Joe. "And I can't go home again." That was a whisper, an admission she really didn't want to make but something she knew in her heart - she was a geneticist, not a physicist, and without Harrison Well and STAR Labs, without Cisco and Barry, there was simply no way that she could see that she could get herself back to her own time. 

There was a heavy sigh from across the table and then that same warm hand covered hers. This time, he didn't let go when she looked at their hands, and when she looked up at him, he simply tightened his grip. "I can help you," he said. "There's a place I know... a shelter. I can make a phone call..."

It took a second for Caitlin to realise what kind of shelter he was talking about, and when she did, her initial reaction was to baulk at the idea - after all, there were surely other women in real danger, in greater need of a place to stay than she was. Then she remembered anew - she had no money, no job, no clothes. She needed all the help she could get. So she nodded slowly. "I would... appreciate that." 

Joe shifted in his seat, squeezed her hand again. "We can go out later," he said slowly. "Get you some clothes."

She shook her head. "That's not..."

"You can't live in that dress you had on last night," he pointed out. "And you can't wear my clothes either." She glanced down at herself, noting the truth of that particular statement - his shirt was swimming on her and every time she moved she was half afraid the sweatpants were going to fall down. But there was another problem that had to be addressed. 

"Joe, I can't take your money..."

He shrugged. "Don't get too excited, we ain't going uptown," he drawled and there was a twinkle in his eye that she recognised, one that made her head swim with its familiarity. 

"Still... you don't have to..."

"Yeah, I do." His eyes were sincere and he held her gaze, not blinking. 

She sucked in a shaking breath, nodded once more. "OK."

*

She'd been at the shelter for almost a week when the woman who ran it, a no nonsense woman called Esther who reminded Caitlin strongly of Mrs Garrett from the old "Facts of Life" reruns she'd seen as a teenager, came to her, a frown on her face and a question in her eyes. "Officer West called," she said quietly, looking left and right as if she was afraid that someone would overhear them. Which wasn't an idle fear, Caitlin knew - when Joe had brought her there, more than one woman had stared at him with open distrust, some with fear. "It's normal," Esther had told her when Caitlin asked her about it. "Lots of these women have good reason not to trust the police." 

Caitlin blinked in some surprise - she hadn't expected to ever hear from Joe again. "What did he want?" she asked and Esther's frown deepened. 

"He asked if you were still here... and if you were, to tell you that he'd meet you at the diner down the street at two this afternoon." She tilted her head, crossed her arms over her chest. "I didn't say if you were here or not... and you know you don't have to go." Caitlin frowned, sure there was something that she was missing and that something became clear when Esther continued, "If he has some hold on you..."

"No!" Caitlin knew her voice was higher than it had any right to be, and one of the women across the room looked up from feeding her daughter, naked curiosity in her face. "No," Caitlin repeated, forcing her voice lower. "There's nothing like that... he's a good man."

"Um-hmm." Esther's voice was flat, her lips a thin line. "I've heard that before." 

"Well, he is." Caitlin crossed her arms over her chest, pulled her cardigan tighter around her, tried to ignore the suspicion on Esther's face. 

"Heard that too," was all she said before she moved away. 

Caitlin watched her go, shaking her head, knowing that there was nothing that would change Esther's opinion. Well, nothing but the truth and she could hardly tell her that. Still, there was never a doubt that she wasn't going to be at that diner, made her way there that afternoon after completing her morning ritual of the last few weeks, pounding the pavements, re-familiarising herself with old streets, reading the newspapers at the city library, learning all she could about the world in 1996. 

Joe was already there, sitting at the counter, when she arrived and his head whipped around when the little bell over the door dinged her arrival. his eyes widened, an almost comical look of relief crossing his face and she smiled despite herself. She still couldn't quite get used to him in his cop's uniform and she was grateful that he'd suggested meeting here, rather than coming to the shelter - Esther would not have been best pleased. "Hey," he said, standing up and rubbing his hands on his trousers. "I wasn't sure you'd come." She tucked a lock of hair back behind her ear as he gestured to a booth. "You want to sit?"

She nodded, but didn't otherwise speak until they were sitting down and he was sliding a menu across the table to her. "I'll just have a coffee," she said and he lifted one eyebrow. 

"Eat." Twenty years hadn't changed his best dad who expects to be obeyed tone one whit. Not that it had ever had much success on Barry or Iris, and it didn't have a lot of success on her now. Or at least it didn't, not until he sighed, a look of worry crossing his face. She'd seen it so many times in STAR Labs that she couldn't miss it now. "Please."

Biting back a sigh of her own she took the menu from him, flipped it open and scanned until she found the cheapest thing on the menu and ordered that, along with the aforementioned coffee. "I'll pay you back," she said when the waitress disappeared. "And I don't just mean for lunch." Because the last time he'd seen her, he'd pressed a roll of bills into her hand and refused to take no for an answer. She'd known it was money that he could ill afford and it had been that knowledge, the knowledge of how far he would go to help a stranger in need, that had made her sob into her pillow that night. 

"I don't care about the money, Cait," he told her quietly. "I just wanted to know you're ok."

"I am." Which was a lie and they both knew it. "I will be." The waitress arrived back then, two steaming mugs of coffee in hand, placed one down in front of Caitlin and another in front of Joe before vanishing as quickly as she'd arrived. "It's not the first time I've had to put my life back together." After all, she'd done with twice before, once after the particle accelerator exploded, the second time after Ronnie died. Before arriving here, she'd been in the process of doing it a third time, learning to cope with Jay's betrayal and the knowledge that her new beginning was anything but the fresh start she'd dreamed of. 

Of course, this was far from the fresh start she'd dreamed of too. 

Joe's eyes never left her face as he raised his coffee to his lips, taking a small sip. "You got a plan?"

A slightly hysterical laugh bubbled up in Caitlin's throat but she clamped down on it before it could escape. It felt as if all she'd been doing for the last week was making plans, trying to figure out where she would go, what she could do. It was just hard to figure out how to get there when all she had were the clothes she stood up in and a dwindling supply of cash. She reached up to the chain around her neck, fingered the two rings that hung on it, the rings that were concealed by the blouse she wore - she'd started wearing Ronnie's rings like that after she'd found out about Jay, some sort of talisman, some reminder of better times, better men. She'd considered pawning them already but was waiting until she was out of options. She didn't think that would be too much longer. 

"Getting there," she said simply. The coffee burned her throat as it went down and she blamed that for the tears that smarted in her eyes. 

When her vision cleared, Joe was eyeing her thoughtfully. "Look," he said, his voice low, growing lower as he leaned across the table, looked around furtively. "I know a guy... he's a C.I. of mine..." He stopped. "That's..."

"Confidential informant." He looked surprised that she knew that. "I watch 'Law and Order' ok?" 

He blinked but continued on anyway and Caitlin had to hide her smile in her coffee cup - little did he know how many times he'd have to do that twenty years in the future. "This guy... he owes me a favour. And he knows his way around fake IDs." He paused, raised one eyebrow. "Good enough to pass for the real thing."

Caitlin's heart began to pound. "You don't have to..."

Joe actually chuckled. "Yeah, so you keep telling me." He rubbed his hand over his chin before continuing. "Look, I'm pretty sure Cait Raymond's not your real name." 

"Because you've already checked me out." It was a hunch, but if the faintly guilty look that passed over his face was any indication, a good one. 

He didn't address the comment, probably a wise move. "You're running from someone, or something, I don't have to be a cop to know that. And I don't have to be one to know that you want to stay as hidden as you can for as long as you can. And I know that whatever it is, you're scared to death. So whoever you were, she has to disappear. But Cait Raymond... she doesn't. I can help you with that."

Caitlin realised she was biting her lip, forced herself to release it, ran her tongue over her lips to moisten them. "You could get in a lot of trouble for that," she said, surprised when he leaned back in his seat, grinned broadly at her. 

"What, you saw that on 'Law and Order' too?" 

"I mean it, Joe... you're a cop, you can't get caught up in something illegal..."

He shrugged one shoulder. "So I won't get caught." He leaned in again, kept his voice low. "Cait, you need an ID. You need a Social Security number. It's the only way you get your new life." He paused as if to let his words sink in. "Let me help you." 

For the second time in a week, Caitlin found herself nodding, forcing the words out through a lump in her throat. "OK." 

They ate their food and when she left it was with instructions to meet him there again the following day. 

When she did, he was standing outside the diner in regular clothes - jeans and a shirt, a beat up brown leather jacket, a dark brown beanie hat that was exactly the same as the ones he favoured when she knew him. For a second, she didn't recognise him, didn't see the man she'd met this past week, nor the echo of the man she'd once known. She just saw a man and in the split second it took her brain to categorise him as "handsome" he looked up and saw her, a grin appearing on his face that had her head suddenly spinning. She told herself that it was just her mind playing tricks on her and when she fell into step beside him, when she heard him telling her about the man that they were going to see, she pushed that trick to the back of her mind. 

When he left her back at the diner a few hours later, she had a Social Security number in her pocket, along with a photo ID and various other paperwork, the start of a new life. "Good luck, Cait Raymond," he said to her and it took everything she had not to reach across the front seat of the car and hug him. 

Standing on the street corner, watching his tail lights fade in the distance, she touched the hard plastic of the ID, wondering why, when she'd suddenly gained a future, did it feel like she'd just lost something else. 


	4. 1997

Caitlin never was one for celebrating anniversaries or birthdays, even when she was younger. A naturally quiet child, she'd always hated being the centre of attention, and as one of the not-so-cool kids, she'd never had a gang of friends who were into that sort of thing either. Her father - not her mother, never her mother - used to make a fuss of her on her birthday, but once the MS had taken control, he hadn't been able to do that and while she'd made an effort to please him, her heart had never really been in it. On her first birthday after he'd passed away, she'd spent most of the day in tears and after that, she'd more or less decided to ignore it altogether. Ronnie had made efforts to get her to celebrate, but he'd quickly come to realise that, rather than a cast of thousands, she was happiest when it was just the two of them, so he used to make her breakfast in the morning, take her out for a nice meal in the evening, basically spoil her all day. 

Those were happy times, memories that made her smile. 

But that was another time, another life, and in this life, this strange life that she'd found herself thrust into, she stared at the newspaper and realised she had another anniversary coming up -  one year since she'd fallen through time and landed twenty years in the past. As she looked around her apartment, she couldn't help but feel a little pride. Sure, it wasn't the lovely large home she'd shared with Ronnie. If she was honest, it was probably a bit of a dump - the paint on the walls had definitely seen better days - and it was certainly tiny, one bedroom, a small bathroom that had been the height of fashion sometime in the 1970s, a kitchen cum living room that she kept as tidy and neat as she could. Small as it might have been though, it was all hers, a place where she could close the door behind her, and when she was too exhausted by keeping up the pretence that she belonged in this new-old world, that their customs were second nature, she could just lie on the couch or the bed and pretend that the world outside was the one she was familiar with, dream of home and STAR Labs and Cisco and Barry and Iris and all she'd left behind there. 

It hadn't been easy to get here. She'd spent the first couple of months at the shelter, found herself a job as a waitress in a nice restaurant downtown. It was mostly evening work and the wages were pretty low, although the tips made up for it, and with some careful saving, she'd managed to accrue enough money for the first month's rent - a visit to a pawn shop and Ronnie's rings had provided the security deposit. She'd shed a tear when walking out the door, but she'd told herself firmly that Ronnie would want what was best for her, and much as she might want to, hanging on to the past wasn't doing that. Since she was working nights and had no desire to stay a waitress for the rest of her life, she spent the days looking into alternative careers - med school, she knew, was not an option - and had found a community college that offered EMT certification. With her extensive medical knowledge, she'd breezed through the course, one of only two women to do so - nothing new there, much of her college and working life had been spent surrounded by men - and in pretty short order had found herself giving up her waitressing role for a different type of night shift. 

The day that the approaching anniversary dawned on her though, she had the day shift so when the date registered with her as the morning news played on her little radio - a vital part of her daily routine, helping her to re-establish in her own mind where she was in history - she had no time to do more but register the information as she pulled her hair back into a ponytail, grabbing one last mouthful of coffee before she grabbed her bag and started off for work. 

She arrived five minutes early but her partner, Jack, was already there, making sure the bus was properly supplied and there was the usual, "Nice of you to join us," type of banter that she'd come to expect from him. In some ways, he reminded her of Cisco - not in looks, red hair and freckles meant he was as far from Cisco as you could get - but in the teasing, the joking, the "she's my partner so I can do it but you'd better not dare?" way, he was Cisco all over. She gave as good as she got before falling into task beside him, getting everything organised before the first call of the day came in. 

The first call went without incident, the second too. It was the third when things took an unexpected turn. 

"Oh shit," Jack murmured when they pulled up and even though Caitlin didn't usually use language like that, she was in complete agreement. What they'd been told was a car crash was more along the lines of a six car pile up, and the multiple flashing lights of ambulances and police cars, the unmistakeable wail of a fire engine siren coming along behind them, told them plenty about how serious it was. They jumped into action straight away and Caitlin didn't blink when she was directed to a car in the middle of the pack by a harried looking police officer who looked somehow familiar, not that she had the time to think much about that. "There's a little girl in the back," he told her as he gestured. "My partner's with her." 

Trusting Jack was somewhere behind her, not blaming him for a second if he wasn't, Caitlin reached the car, kneeled down at the open door beside the girl. She looked to be about seven years old, blonde hair in pigtails, a huge bump on her head. "Hey there, sweetheart," she said, reaching for her pen light to check her pupils. "Can you tell me your-"

She stopped when there was a sharp intake of breath from the seat beside the girl and when she glanced in that direction, saw the face that belonged with the cop's uniform she'd barely registered, the words died in her throat. 

Because Joe West was staring at her like he'd just seen a ghost and she'd bet every last cent in her pretty meagre bank account that she was staring at him the exact same way. 

The wail of a siren broke the spell and when Caitlin took a deep breath, the smell of gasoline further galvanised her into action. "What's your name, sweetheart?" she asked the little girl, shining the light into her eyes. The little girl's pupils contracted immediately and Caitlin gave her a quick smile as she answered. 

"Leah," she said. 

"That's a pretty name." The light went back into her pocket. "My name is Cait. Can you tell me where it hurts?" 

"Here." Leah pointed at her chest and Caitlin moved her hands across the girl's body, trying not to wince as she screamed in pain. At least one broken rib, Caitlin estimated, possibly two, but as she pressed her stethoscope against Leah's chest, she didn't hear anything untoward there. 

"Let me just check you over..." she murmured, running her hands over the rest of the girl's limbs and beside her, his hand holding the little girl's, Joe recovered his tongue. 

"We didn't think there were any broken bones... but we knew better than to move her." He glanced over his shoulder, his jaw tight. A quick inhale  and it tightened still further. "We about good to go?" 

Caitlin met his gaze and nodded. "Broken ribs but she doesn't need a neck brace or back board." She braced her hand on her door frame. "I'll get my partner with the stretcher." 

Joe just shook his head. "I don't think we have that kind of time." He inclined his head to the left and when Caitlin followed his gaze, she saw flames flickering two cars down. "Fire boys are waiting on you to tell them when it's OK to move in." 

Caitlin looked at the flames once more, then at Leah. "Leah, honey, this might hurt a little, OK? Officer West is going to carry you out of the car." 

"Put your arms around my neck," Joe instructed, a smile on his lips that didn't quite reach up to his eyes. "Don't be afraid to hold tight." 

Leah did as she was told and Joe scooped her up in his arms, the three of them beating a hasty retreat as Caitlin lead the way to their ambulance. Once there, she got Leah settled on the bed, looked over at Joe as she fixed an oxygen mask on the little girl's face. "Her parents?" she asked quietly, fearful of what she'd find out. 

"Dad was driving," Joe told her. "The other ambulance took him out just before you got here. Two broken legs, probably pelvis too,  nothing life threatening. Just the two of them in the car." Carefully, he reached out, wiped away the tears that were creeping down Leah's face. "You're gonna be ok, honey," he said, in the kind of voice that Caitlin remembered her own father using, the one that chased all the monsters from the closet and from under the bed. The memory made her throat ache and she looked down, busied herself with checking Leah's pulse one more time. "Cait here's gonna take real good care of you." There was a confidence in his tone that made Caitlin look up at him and when he met her eyes, he actually smiled. "Good to see you," he said and she opened her mouth to reply but stopped when Jack appeared at the ambulance door,  an older woman at his side, doubled over with coughs. Joe reacted quickly, helping him get her inside while Caitlin reached for the second mask and by the time she and Jack were finished with that, Joe had already stepped out of the ambulance and vanished. 

And just like a year ago, she found herself feeling like she'd just lost something. 

She tried to put it to the back of her mind, but she knew she was a little off her game and from the looks that Jack was sneaking in her direction when he thought she wasn't looking - all furrowed brow and crinkled eyes, it was very Barry Allen of him - he noticed it too. He didn't call her on it but when it was their lunch hour, he was the one who suggested that she check in on Leah. Which, if she was honest, she found a little insulting, like because she was a female who'd treated a little girl, she had some biological imperative to keep thinking about her, that she couldn't do her job because her mind kept wondering how she was? But then she checked herself, reminded herself that she was distracted, that Jack was just trying to help her out and that she really would like to see how Leah was. 

Except that when she got to the girl's room, she found that someone else had the same idea. 

Joe's eyes went wide with surprise when he saw her approaching the room as he was obviously just walking out of it, but they didn't stay wide for long. Instead, a slow smile spread across his face, one that she remembered from STAR Labs, one that told her loud and clear that he was happy to see her. She'd seen that smile so many times and it had always made her want to smile right along with him, so that was what she did. "We meet again," he said and his voice was low, amused, and caused an unaccountable blush to coat her cheeks. 

"I just wanted to check on Leah." She came a little closer, inclined her head towards the door. "Is she..."

"Sound asleep." Joe's voice was tender, the kind he used to get when he was talking about Iris. "Her mom's with her. She's gonna be fine, they're releasing her tomorrow." 

A weight Caitlin hadn't even known was there lifted from her chest. "Good." 

His eyes were dark and serious as they moved over her body, taking in every inch of her, from the top of her head to the soles of her feet. Something in his gaze made her shiver and she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear to give her hands something to do. "You got a few minutes?" he asked. "Cafeteria coffee's pretty bad, but there's a diner across the street..."

It was on the tip of her tongue to refuse, to avoid this conversation and all the time line altering possibilities therein. She even opened her mouth to refuse him, as politely as possible. Instead, what came out was, "I'd like that." 

Unlike the last time they'd been in a diner together, this time when they sat down in a booth, she slid the menu across to him. "This time is my treat," she said and she hoped her tone told him she wasn't going to take no for an answer. "And I haven't forgotten about paying you back the money you lent me either." 

Joe shook his head. "You don't have to-"

She didn't let him finish. "I do." She knew, from things Barry and Iris had said, that money had been an issue when they were growing up - a cop's salary wouldn't exactly have Joe rolling in money, any more than an EMTs had Caitlin. Still, she only had herself to worry about and it wasn't like she was going out every night to paint the town red. Her social life, she was well aware, was somewhat pitiful - which, if she was honest, was one of the few things that _hadn't _changed between her old life and her new. "I can do that now," she said, affecting a bright and breezy tone. "I have a job and everything."__

__"I can see that." There was a question, an appraisal in Joe's words and Caitlin forced herself not to bristle._ _

__"It's all above board," she told him. "I took the classes, I have all the paperwork... you can check if you like."_ _

__He didn't say anything, just flattened his arms on the table, held his hands up, palms facing her. "Hey, I didn't come here to accuse you of anything." Just then, a waitress came to take their order and when she left, he continued, "I just wanted..." He pressed his lips together, blew a steady stream of air out of one side. "I've thought about you, the last few months. Wondered where you were, if you were ok." He grimaced. "Which probably sounds really creepy."_ _

__Against all odds, Caitlin found herself giggling. "Not so much," she told him and he leaned back against the red vinyl seats in not so mock relief. "We did meet in... unusual circumstances."_ _

__Joe inclined his head, eyes narrowed in curiosity and she steeled herself for more questions that she couldn't answer. Something flickered in his eyes, though, and she saw the exact moment that he decided he wasn't going to ask her any more questions about it. "True," was all he said. "Though it's not like today was predictable either... how long have you been an EMT?"_ _

__"A couple of months." The waitress deposited their coffees in front of them, gave Joe a winning smile, while ignoring Caitlin completely. Joe didn't even appear to notice and Caitlin hid her smile in her cup of coffee, blowing across the surface of the liquid when it was too hot to drink. "I wanted to do something to help people." It sounded trite when she said it aloud, but then she remembered who she was talking to, a man who'd made it his life's work to help people. If anyone would understand what she was thinking, it was him._ _

__"You found a place to live?"_ _

__"I was at the shelter for a while... once I got a job, I found a place of my own. It's tiny and pretty run down but the rent's not too high and the landlord's reasonable..." He was frowning suddenly, like he was worried about her still and she gave him her best reassuring smile, the one that she'd used on Cisco back in the day. "And no, it's probably not the greatest part of town, but it's ok for now."_ _

__He nodded as he took a sip of his coffee and there was something familiar about the look on his face as he studied her. She'd seen it before and it took her a moment to work out where. Then she remembered the times when Joe had been talking to the man she'd known as Harrison Wells, the looks he'd given him, especially when he'd let her and Cisco in on his doubts about the not so good doctor. There was something of that in the way he was looking at her and she fought the urge to fidget awkwardly under his gaze. "And things have been... ok?"_ _

__That little pause in his speech told her all she needed to know, that he was still worried about her, about what had happened to her a year ago, but he wasn't going to push it any further than that. "Yes, Joe." She wanted to reach across the table, take his hand but she stopped herself. That would not be the thing to do. "Things have been better than ok."_ _

__Which might have been a bit of an exaggeration, she knew, but under the circumstances, she thought she'd be forgiven. Except that he lifted one eyebrow, shook his head. "You're still a crummy liar," he announced and she was so surprised she laughed out loud. A moment later, he joined her and she realised anew how much she'd liked that sound, back in the day. How much she'd missed it._ _

__And as their laughter mingled, something else struck her. Another emotion, not loneliness, not longing for something that she would never have again._ _

__The knowledge that this man was no longer her friend's father, no longer some twenty years her senior. This man was almost the same age as she was and if she'd idly thought, once or twice, that Detective Joe West was a handsome man, then Officer Joe West, twenty years younger and with not quite the same weight of the world on his shoulders could only be described in one way - hot._ _

__Her laughter faded as the word came to her, a blush heating her cheeks that she tried to hide by lifting her cup of coffee to her lips, taking a long swallow. But he was still smiling at her and the warmth she felt pooling low in her belly couldn't merely be explained away by the coffee._ _

__She took another sip to give herself time to recover, forced her brain to remember the last thing he'd said, to respond to it. Oh, right, something about being a crappy liar - well, it certainly wasn't the first time she'd been told _that_. "So I've been told," she murmured. _ _

__Joe didn't say anything for a long moment, just kept quietly looking at her, studying her. Without taking his eyes off her, his fingers flickered in the direction of the menu. "You got time for lunch, or-"_ _

__Every fibre of her being jumped at the invitation - her social life was limited to say the least and talking to him like this had filled a part of her heart that she didn't even know had been empty. But common sense - or rather memories of Cisco and Wells warning Barry about the dangers of time travel - made her shake her head. Genuinely sad, she pushed the half finished coffee towards the centre of the table, pulled out some crumpled bills from her pocket and left them beside it. "I should be getting back," she said and she tried not to notice how his face fell as she stood up. "It was nice to see you again." That at least was the truth._ _

__Joe looked slightly shell shocked but he nodded, gave her a smile that was a hell of a lot dimmer than his previous one. "Maybe I'll see you around?" It sounded like it  was half hope, half invitation but Caitlin knew she couldn't afford to go there._ _

__"You never know, right?" Her smile was bright but she knew he wouldn't have missed how forced it was. She stared straight ahead as she walked but when she got to the door, she looked back, saw him twisted around in his seat, staring after her._ _

__Just like a year ago when she'd stood on the sidewalk and watched his car disappear, walking away from him felt like she was losing something._ _

__But she was used to that and she kept going._ _

__*_ _

__In years to come, she would later reflect that if they had left things there, it would have been ok. A spark of attraction, a lingering look, a sense of loss - she could have dealt with that, and probably in 2014 when they met again, he'd just put any resemblance down to coincidence, perhaps even some distant familial relationship. Even if he did suspect anything involving time travel - and knowing Joe as she did, even a Joe whose son was The Flash, she'd say that was pretty damn unlikely - he would never say anything about it, would play his cards close to his chest until he had enough evidence to proceed with a hypothesis._ _

__It would all have been different, she was sure, if it wasn't for Amy's birthday._ _

__Amy was the only other woman who'd been on Caitlin's EMT course, a tiny spitfire with jet black hair who didn't take no for an answer. She and Caitlin, being the only females in the class, had formed an immediate friendship and faced with some classmates who seemed to think this was no job for a woman, they'd had one another's backs from the start. Once they'd qualified, they'd been thrilled to end up at the same hospital, even if their shifts didn't often line up exactly._ _

__But when it was Amy's birthday, she made sure to plan her birthday night out for a night she knew Caitlin was rostered off. Any protests Caitlin made - she was tired, she hated nightclubs, she had nothing to wear - were brushed aside and, in the case of the last one, resulted in a Saturday afternoon that reminded Caitlin of a scene in _Pretty Woman_ where she stood in a dressing room as Amy brought outfit after outfit in to her, casting serious judgement on each one. Which wasn't exactly music to Caitlin's ears - since she'd been stranded there, she'd never quite come to grips with nineties fashion - but it turned out that a little black dress was indeed timeless and not to be vain, but Caitlin knew that this particular one - spaghetti straps, not too low cut, skirt just skimming her knees - certainly showed her off to her best advantage. _ _

__It turned out she wasn't the only one who thought so._ _

__Because when they were a few drinks in at the club, Amy leaned in to Caitlin, bumping her with her elbow. "Don't turn around, but you have an admirer." Her voice was low and amused and Caitlin was torn between wanting to turn around and run away._ _

__"I do?" She sounded surprised, even to her own ears and Amy gave her a look._ _

__"Cait, have you seen your legs in that dress? Even Jack here's been looking twice."_ _

__Her partner's fair skin flushed, rendering his freckles nigh on invisible. "In a purely scientifically curious way," he maintained. "Trying to ascertain how much those hideous uniforms of ours can actually hide."_ _

__Amy snickered. "You're just afraid we'll tell Suzanne."_ _

__"Terrified." Jack didn't even blink. "So, where is this guy, Amy? I feel like I should look out for my partner..."_ _

__Already beginning to regret introducing the two of them, Caitlin closed her eyes and hoped that Amy was completely wrong. "The group of guys in the corner," she said, averting her eyes, looking overly casual. "Obviously a bachelor party... the one on the end." Caitlin opened her eyes, wishing she could look around without it being too obvious, and Amy's eyes sparkled. "Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome." She actually licked her lips and Caitlin fought back a laugh - she didn't know people really did that._ _

__When Jack oh so casually turned his head though, when his eyes narrowed and his brow furrowed, it was suddenly easier not to laugh. "Hey, I know that guy."_ _

__And suddenly, with no reason why, Caitlin knew who her admirer was, because the universe apparently hated her just that much._ _

__"He was one of the cops at that car wreck last week, the one who helped you with that little girl you were all bent out of shape about."_ _

__Amy's eyes were wide with interest. "You never told me about that," she was saying but Caitlin was slowly turning her head and, sure enough, looking into the face of Joe West._ _

__When he saw her looking over at him, a broad smile, so familiar and yet so strange, curled his lips and Amy made a noise that Caitlin had never heard her make before and she was fairly sure she never wanted to hear her make it again. "Cait, if you don't want him..." she began but the pleasant swimming sensation in Caitlin's stomach, together with the alcohol she'd already consumed, overruled her usual good judgement._ _

__"I do."_ _

__It was hard to say who was more shocked by that, Amy, Jack or Caitlin herself. But when Joe said something to his companions - and whatever it was was greeted by riotous laughter and hooting, with the occasional back slap thrown in - and began to move towards their table, she knew it was the truth._ _

__When Joe reached their table, he nodded at Amy and Jack, who simultaneously took half a step back from Caitlin and became seemingly engrossed in their own conversation. Still, Caitlin had a feeling that they were listening to every word. She thought Joe might think the same if the amused grin he gave them was anything to go by._ _

__"Fancy meeting you here." His voice, tinged with the same amusement she saw in his eyes, travelled clearly through the loud music._ _

__Caitlin inclined her head, looked him up and down, taking in the dark jeans, the untucked white shirt. It wasn't a look she was used to seeing on the Joe she knew - those nineties fashions again - but it suited him and she knew Amy wasn't a bit off the mark in her assessment of him. "We do seem to keep meeting like this," she allowed and he shrugged, looking around him._ _

__"I don't know... no hospitals, no car wrecks... I'd say this is a definite improvement."_ _

__As he was speaking, he'd taken a step closer to her, the better to hear her over the music, she supposed. Of course, she'd taken a step closer to him for the same reason and her heart sped up as she realised that if either of them took one more step forward, their bodies would be touching. She raised her bottle of beer to her lips to cure her suddenly dry mouth, cursing inwardly as she drained it with less than a mouthful taken._ _

__His eyes seemed to light up as he realised what had happened. "Buy you a drink?"_ _

__The tiny part of her brain that knew that that was a potentially paradox inducing suggestion told her to decline. To run far away and never look back._ _

__The larger part, the part that was slightly tipsy, the part that was in agreement with Amy's hand on her back, her voice in her ear saying, "Go... we'll keep an eye on things," made her nod, made her walk towards the bar with him behind her, made her shiver when his hand ghosted along the small of her back as they made their way through the press of people._ _

__This being a Saturday night, this being popular club - though Caitlin wasn't quite sure why, although she assumed it had something to do with the drinks being cheap - people were standing three deep at the bar and Caitlin had to stop suddenly when she reached a wall of people. Her stop was so sudden, in fact, that Joe actually walked into her, his hands flying out to land on her hips, whether to keep her from falling or to stop his own fall, she couldn't tell._ _

__She could tell that this hands were warm, could tell it through the thin fabric of the dress and as his body pressed against her back, she knew there was no way he could have missed the eruption of goosebumps that made their way up and down her arms, across her collarbone and down her back. She moved her head, feeling like she was doing so in slow motion, looking back and up at him, at his slightly parted lips, his dark eyes that were staring at her lips._ _

__The rush of desire that coursed through her was as powerful as it was intense and if it wasn't for his hands on her hips, holding her up, she felt like her knees would have buckled with the force of it. "You ok?" he asked her and she nodded, not trusting her voice. Grinning he moved so that he was standing beside her, dropping only one hand, leaving the other on her hip. "Your friends seem nice," he said, glancing over in that direction. "Even if they're looking at me like they're afraid I'm going to turn out to be a serial killer..."_ _

__Her laugh was part humour, part nerves. "You've actually met Jack," she reminded him. "He's my partner." His eyes flared wide and he looked alarmed and she hastily added, "My EMT partner."_ _

__He looked comically relieved. "Right... I thought I'd seen him before."_ _

__"And Amy and I went through training together."_ _

__"Let me guess." He threw a glance over her shoulder. "Only two women in the boy's club."_ _

__"Lucky I'm used to it." Because it's not like the sciences and med school had been a bastion of gender equality and despite Wells's best intentions (and what a phrase that was) STAR Labs hadn't been either. Joe tilted his head, eyes narrowing a little and Caitlin hurried on. "Anyway, it's Amy's birthday so she insisted we go out... I don't know too many of the rest of them, they're all her friends..."_ _

__They reached the bar then and she ordered another beer, him doing likewise. Then they moved to a slightly less crowded section of the floor and Joe looked around. "Don't worry... they still have line of sight on us," he quipped and Caitlin looked down, fingernail picking at the label of the bottle._ _

__"I trust you." She said it so quietly she could barely hear herself, didn't know if he'd heard her or not, but when she looked up and saw the expression on his face, she knew he hadn't missed it. He took half a step closer to her as she asked, "And your friends?"_ _

__He laughed, deep and strong. "Oh, I'm not letting them near me right now." Her cheeks flushed as she caught his meaning and he shrugged. "Bachelor party." The thought came to her that Amy would be thrilled to be proven right and she nearly missed his next words. "Not really my favourite thing. Well... not until now."_ _

__The club was warm but it was nothing compared to the heat in his gaze and Caitlin raised her beer bottle to her lips, surprised to see that her hand was shaking. "They're not going to be upset that you ditched them?"_ _

__Again came the laughter. "Trust me," he said, taking another step towards her, leaving his beer down on a ledge beside him, and this time he didn't stop until he was standing right in front of her, the front of his shirt grazing her arm, "they don't have a problem with it."_ _

__She wanted to say something, say anything, but it was hard to concentrate with her blood pounding in her ears, with her breath catching in her throat like it was. It became even harder when it reached out with one hand, ran it down her cheek. It was cool from holding his beer and that might have been what caused the return of her goosebumps._ _

__Which was a lie, of course. Those goosebumps were nothing to do with the cold and they both knew it._ _

__"Joe..." She was able to say his name but not much else and he seemed to take it as an invitation, taking her beer from her hands and putting it on the ledge with his before leaning his head down very slowly, like he was giving her time to change her mind, and pressing his lips against hers._ _

__And oh, did _that_ cause goosebumps to erupt along her skin. _ _

__Goosebumps and a full body shiver as his hand slid down from her cheek to her arm, his other hand resting on her hip, pulling her gently towards him. Her hands landed on his chest, one directly over his heart so that she could feel its beat under her palm, faster than it had any right to be. Moving his head slightly, he deepened the kiss, letting his tongue move across her lips and she opened her mouth under his as she wound an arm around his neck. Shivers danced down her spine as his hand moved from her arm to her spine, sliding down to the small of her back and she actually sighed into the kiss, leaning into him as the rest of the world faded away._ _

__But it came back with a vengeance when they broke apart, her heart hammering in her chest and all she wanted to do was pull him back to her and pick up where they left off. Then she looked up at him through her lashes, his forehead resting against hers and she looked right into his eyes, saw the way he was looking at her..._ _

__Fear slammed through her, sobering her up in an instant._ _

__It must have been visible on her face too because Joe frowned, straightened up. "Cait?"_ _

__She shook her head, stepped back, knowing she needed to put some distance between them. "I need to go." Her voice sounded strained, even to her own ears and as she moved away from him, even over the noise of the nightclub she could hear him calling after her. She didn't stop though, just like she didn't stop when she grabbed her purse from the table, ignoring Jack and Amy as they, at first, hooted with huge smiles before asking her what was wrong. She didn't stop until she was at home and only then, with the door locked behind her, did she let herself cry._ _

__She cried herself to sleep and when she did, she dreamed of Joe, the Joe she'd met here and the Joe she once knew, each of them staring at her with sad eyes and serious faces. Then the Joe that she had known faded away and when she sank to her knees, sobbing, the Joe she knew now took her in his arms, wiped away her tears and kissed her, just like he'd kissed her in the club._ _

__Unlike the club, however, her dreams did not stop at kissing and when she awoke, she was panting, breathless, and seriously turned on._ _

__It took her a moment to register that what had woken her was someone knocking on her door, and a quick glance at the clock told her that it was almost eleven in the morning, far later than she would usually have slept, even when she didn't have to get ready for work. That, she figured, was the price to pay for a restless sleep that had been a long time coming. Guessing that whoever was at the door was either Amy or Jack checking up on her, she pulled herself out of bed, pulling on her robe as she walked, running a hand over her hair in a vain attempt to put some kind of order on it._ _

__But when she pulled open the door, it wasn't Jack wanting to know if he needed to knock someone's teeth out, or Amy demanding explanations._ _

__It was Joe._ _

__"Hi." Her mouth was dry and she gripped the door handle like it was the only thing holding her up. "What are you..." Then she stopped because she knew why he was here. There was, however, a better question. "How did you know where I live?"_ _

__Joe looked down, shifting on his feet. "I'm a police officer," he reminded her but something about that didn't ring through and she found herself taking a guess._ _

__"Amy gave you my address."_ _

__"I didn't ask." He held up both hands, palms facing her. "But she came over to me muttering about friends who didn't know what was good for them and pressed this into my hand." He held up a flyer from the club, crumpled but with Amy's distinctive penmanship clearly evident. "She seemed to think I should talk to you again." He looked her up and down, tilting his head curiously. "Did I wake you?"_ _

__Caitlin nodded, pulled her robe tighter around her. "I had a bad night." Peering closely at him, he didn't look like his had been any better - there were dark shadows under his eyes, a haggard look to his face that she was well acquainted with from when she first met him at STAR Labs._ _

__"Yeah." The word was a sigh so powerful that it ruffled her hair. "There was a lot of that going around." He shook his head, then looked left and right down the hall. "Look, can I come in?"_ _

__Every fibre of Caitlin's body told her that would be a very good, yet totally unwise, idea._ _

__She stepped aside to let him in._ _

__"Joe, last night..."_ _

__"You're gonna tell me you shouldn't have kissed me. That it was a mistake. That there's ghosts out there from your past that are still waking you at night." He cut across her but gave her every argument she was going to make. All she could do was nod as she swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. "Cait, I get that, OK? I do... I feel the same way." He took a step closer to her then stopped and she could see from the expression that crossed his face that he wanted to keep going but was purposefully holding himself back from doing so. "My life... I don't know if there's room for someone in it. I've got my daughter and my job and I'm barely keeping our heads above water and God knows, my marriage was no walk in the park..." He pressed his lips together. "But all I know is, I see you... and none of that matters. Doesn't matter how much I try to talk myself out of it, since I saw you again last week, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you."_ _

__He was more sincere than she'd ever heard him, in any timeline and something deep in her heart gave way at the look in his eyes. "Joe..." she whispered._ _

__"I promise," he continued as if she hadn't spoken, "if you tell me to go, I'll respect that. I won't come back, I'll be perfectly polite when we meet on the job, no awkwardness, no pushback... You tell me to go, right now, and I'll go."_ _

__Tears stung her eyes and throat but she eventually got the words out. "Don't go."_ _

__The words hung between them for a long moment where neither Caitlin nor Joe moved. "Yeah?" he said finally, and she knew this was it, her last chance to change her mind._ _

__"Please... don't go."_ _

__She was never sure, afterwards, if he moved or she did or they both did. But the next thing she knew, she was wrapped in his arms, his lips against hers in a kiss that was a thousand times more intense than the one from the previous night, a prelude to the confirmation that the reality of him was even better than her dreams._ _


	5. 1998

Caitlin's back arched as Joe trailed lazy kisses down her neck, one of his hands tracing equally lazy patterns on her hip, the other caressing the small of her back. Her own hands weren't idle either, one moving up and down his spine, the other cupping the back of his head, holding him close. She wasn't going  to lie, this was her favourite part of their time together, those moments afterwards when the urgency had vanished and their limbs were heavy and languid with the hum of satisfaction. Touches were slow and gentle, kisses teasing and loving and it was easy to pretend that they were a normal couple, one who had all the time in the world, who could spend all night touching and kissing until they fell asleep in each other's arms. 

But of course they weren't. 

Caitlin blinked lazily as Joe pulled his lips away from her neck, coming back to herself quickly as he pushed himself up on one elbow - giving her a very nice view of his chest and torso, she couldn't help but notice. Reaching up to her bedside table, he squinted as he read at his watch, a frown coming to his face as his deep sigh ruffled her hair. Dropping the watch, he gave her an apologetic look and she gave him a smile back, even if she pressed against him for one last time, giving a twist of her hips that had his lips twisting in rueful protest. 

"Do that again and I'll never leave." It was said with no real intent, even less when he pushed himself off her completely - albeit with one last, lingering kiss - and began looking around for the clothes that they'd scattered in various places around the room in their haste to get to the bed. 

She was admiring the view that his search afforded her when she heard words she'd never said before slip past her lips. "You really have to go?" 

He paused, jeans hanging in his hands, eyed her thoughtfully and when he smiled, it didn't quite reach his eyes. "'Fraid so," he said mildly. "I told the sitter I'd be back by ten." 

Caitlin let herself fall back against the pillows, concentrating on the view as he pulled on his trousers and fastened them, on the ripple of the muscles of his back as he pulled on his shirt. That was easier than concentrating on things she could never have and she pushed away any "poor me" thoughts before they could mostly form. What they had was more than she could have hoped for, certainly more than she should have allowed them to have and, while she wouldn't mind him staying the night, this would have to be enough. 

But Joe didn't know what she knew and she was reminded of that when he turned to her, still doing up the buttons of his shirt. "You know," he said, his voice light, too light she knew at once, "there is a solution to this." 

The swoop of Caitlin's stomach suddenly had nothing to do with the physical attributes of the man in front of her. She sat up, pulling her knees up to her chest and opened her mouth to speak but the words died in her throat when he abandoned his job with the buttons, sat down on the bed beside her and took both her hands in his.

 "Meet Iris."

Trickles of ice ran through Caitlin's veins and her heart quickened in her chest. "Joe, we've talked about this... I can't."

The only indication that Joe was annoyed was the slight flare of his nostrils. Otherwise his face and voice stayed calm. "And I understood that. Then." His fingers tightened on hers. "But, Cait, we've been together over a year now. That's enough for me to know what I want out of this. And it sure as hell ain't seeing each other once a week if we're lucky, sneaking out of your bed like we're back in high school." 

A weak smile came to her lips. "I don't know about you, but I never did this in high school." 

"I wouldn't know." He shrugged exaggeratedly. "Because for all you claim to be worried about people from your past and putting me and Iris in danger, in the last fifteen months, not one time has anything like that happened. You don't mention your past... your family, your high school, the dog you had in fourth grade, nothing. It's like you dropped down from the sky fully formed the day I met you." 

He was closer to the truth than he knew and, knowing what a bad liar she was, Caitlin dipped her head, let her hair fall down over her face. Still though, Joe wouldn't be denied, his warm hand reaching out and cupping her cheek, pushing back the curtain of hair on one side and lifting her head so that her eyes met his. "I don't care about your past," he told her quietly. "I care about your future. And I want to be in it." 

An almost hysterical giggle rose up in her throat and she forced it back. The tears that came in their stead were harder to deny and she had to swallow hard before she could speak. "I want that too," she whispered but she couldn't find the words to tell him that the future she was thinking about was one eighteen years in the future, one that, for her, was already the past. How could she explain that to him without sounding completely crazy, without putting the whole timeline in peril? 

"So meet Iris." The hope in his eyes broke her heart. "It's not like I'm asking you to move in with us..." Except she knew that that was where he was heading and she'd be lying if she said she hadn't thought about the West house, about what it would be like to live there with him, raise Iris with him, maybe even have a family of their own. "Just come over for dinner, we can take it from there."

She closed her eyes, picturing the scene, picturing it all to easily. She wanted to say yes so badly that she could almost taste it and shaking her head was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do. 

"I can't," she whispered. "I'm sorry, Joe... but I can't." 

Joe's nostrils flared again and this time his lips set into a thin line. "Fine." The word was flat, emotionless. "I'll see myself out." 

It took everything Caitlin had not to beg him to stay but she stayed sitting where she was, arms clasped around her knees, knees to her chin, until she heard the front door of her apartment close behind him. Only then did she stand on rubbery legs, pad through the apartment, just as she did every time after he left, only every other time, she'd walked hand in hand with him, had only closed the door on him after a series of long kisses. 

This time, she laid her palm against the front door, wishing she could call him back, tell him everything. 

But she couldn't and he was gone, and she was very afraid that he was never coming back. 

Sliding the deadbolt home, she let her head fall against the door and only then did she let herself cry. 

*

Sleep was a long time coming that night and when it did, it was filled with dreams, dreams filled with the Joe she knew now and the Iris she used to know, each of them asking why she didn't want to be part of their family. She wasn't really surprised when a masked speedster spewing blue lightning popped into the picture; Jay Garrick had long since replaced medical school exams in the nightmares that plagued her when she got too stressed out. The next morning when her alarm went off, she took great pleasure in smacking it hard, secure in the knowledge that she had the day off, that her only plan was to meet Amy for brunch at eleven. Amy had the day off too so they'd planned a lazy day together, a leisurely catch up with food, maybe some shopping, a movie, all the things that Caitlin was learning to enjoy when she didn't have to help save the world from meta-humans bent on destroying it. 

She only realised her day wasn't going to go according to plan when she walked into the coffee shop and saw Amy already there, all clad in her uniform. "What happened?" Caitlin asked, arms spread wide. 

Amy rolled her eyes. "I got called in... Gave some excuse about an appointment I couldn't possibly cancel, got me a reprieve til one." She looked Caitlin up and down, lifted one eyebrow. "I tried to call you but you weren't picking up." Her eyes were dancing, her smile teasing. "Sit and spill."

Her kingdom for a cell phone, Caitlin thought, remembering that she'd taken her phone off the hook as she stumbled to bed after Joe left, wanting nothing more than to be alone with her misery. "Nothing to spill," she said and she knew her voice, like her smile, was tight. "I just didn't sleep very well." 

Now both Amy's eyebrows were raised, her face twisting into concern. "And from the look on your face, I'm guessing that it was not the good 'I didn't get a lot of sleep' kind of way." Caitlin's cheeks flushed bright red and she shook her head as she bit her lip. Amy's forthright nature still caught her off guard sometimes. 

Amy at least waited until they'd ordered some food before she leaned forward, elbows on the table, hands under her chin. "So, what happened?" 

Caitlin sighed. "Joe and I had a fight." 

"I guessed that much." Amy crossed her arms, fairly bristling for a fight. "What did he do?"

The notion that Joe was automatically to blame had Caitlin rushing to defend him, even if there was a part of her that was pleased that Amy was on her side - Cisco had been that kind of friend, the one who would do anything for you, even if you were dead in the wrong, and for a girl who hadn't exactly been Miss Popularity her whole life, Caitlin hadn't expected to find a second friend like that. "He didn't do anything," she said. Then, lower, "He wants me to meet his daughter." 

When she looked at Amy, her friend was frowning. "And?"

"And?" Caitlin threw her hands up in the air. "I can't meet her." 

Amy's frown only deepened. "Cait, you've been together for over a year," she reminded her. "And if I know anything about men, Joe is completely, head over heels, in love with you. Why wouldn't he want you to meet his kid? Why wouldn't you want to meet her?"

"You know why." Caitlin shifted in her seat, remembered the vague lies she'd told Amy about her past. "I don't want to put them in danger." 

"Joe's a cop." Amy's tone was flat, dismissive. "He can protect you. And if you're so scared of these mysterious people, I'm sure he can do something..." Her voice trailed off when Caitlin shook her head. 

"He can't." Her voice was definite enough that Amy left that train of thought alone. Well, it was either the voice or the single tear that made its way down her cheek. 

"Is it the whole wicked stepmom thing? Because, come on, real life is not Cinderella."

Once again, Caitlin shook her head. "No... Iris is a great kid." Amy looked at her strangely and Caitlin hastened to add, "The way Joe talks about her... I can tell. And he's such a good dad..." Her throat closed again, the weight of tales from the past and future squeezing it shut. 

"And don't you want that?" Amy reached over to lay a hand on Caitlin's arm. "You and Joe and Iris, plus a couple of kids of your own?" 

The images came easily to Caitlin's mind, the West family house, Christmas lights flickering on the tree, Iris kneeling beside it, tearing open her presents and turning to look at them with a beaming smile on her face. Joe stood beside Caitlin, his arm around her, a smile on his face that was at least the equal of Iris's as he looked from her to Caitlin, his other hand going to the swell of her stomach as he pulled her closer to him. She could almost hear the crackle of the fire blazing merrily in the fireplace, taste Grandma Esther's eggnog in the back of her throat. 

"More than anything," she heard herself whisper. "But that doesn't matter." 

Amy blew a stream of air out between her lips. "Cait, I don't pretend to know what's going on in that head of yours. But as someone who only wishes she could have what you've got? You shouldn't be so quick to throw it away." 

Their food arrived them and, mercifully, Amy changed the subject, bitching about being called in on her day off, hoping that the shift would be an eventful one. Which had Caitlin pointing out that she'd invariably just jinxed herself, recalling the stories of the shift from hell she'd pulled a few weeks ago. That led them into wishing for a vacation, all the places they would love to go and by the time they'd exhausted those possibilities, it was time for Amy to leave for her shift. 

"Just think about what I said," she said to Caitlin, hugging her and Caitlin returned the hug, knowing that there was nothing Amy could say that would make her change her mind. 

She lingered in the coffee shop, ordering another cup of coffee and sipping it slowly, glancing through one of the newspapers from the rack at the entrance. Then, deciding that she didn't want to head home, she did exactly what she and Amy had planned, wandered through the shops, browsing things without really taking any notice of them, buying nothing, before heading to the movie theatre and buying a ticket. Since she was on her own, she decided to go to see _Armageddon_ even though she'd seen it more than once already, could quote lines from it, even if she'd never been that big a fan of it. She'd never seen it on the big screen and she'd heard Cisco and Barry argue more than once that, for a movie of that type, that made all the difference. Plus, she'd actually seen it once, late at night at STAR Labs, Cisco on one side of her, the biggest bowl of microwave popcorn she'd ever seen resting on his knees, Barry on the other side of her with a bowl just as big. The two of them had spent most of the movie deconstructing everything from the plot to the acting to the science involved while Caitlin had rolled her eyes at them and thrown some of Cisco's own popcorn at him when he'd insinuated that her only reason for having them try to quiet down was so that she could concentrate on how dreamy Ben Affleck was. Which, OK, might not have been too far from the truth but she would never admit that to him. As she sat in the theatre, she could hear Barry and Cisco's nitpicks ringing in her ears and it almost felt like they were there with her. 

It was late by the time she got home and she was trying to decide who to call for takeout when there was a knock at her door. Answering it, she was surprised to see Joe there. He looked tired, as tired as she felt, and he'd obviously come to her place straight from work, still wearing his police uniform. That was unusual enough that she blinked, wondering for a moment if he was some sort of tiredness induced hallucination. 

Then he spoke and she didn't think she'd ever heard him sound so beat down. "Hey." 

"Hey." She bit her lip, stepping away from the doorway to allow him to enter. She hadn't had to invite him in for over a year now and his hesitation broke her heart. 

"I tried to call you," he said, glancing at the table where her phone usually sat and his face fell as he saw the receiver lying on the table, its cord snaking a path to the base unit beside it. 

"I took it off the hook after you left last night," she explained, closing the front door and turning to him. There was a look on his face she could only describe as wary. Then again, considering how they'd left things last night, her own face was probably wearing the exact same expression. "I forgot to put it back this morning before I left... I only got home a few minutes ago." 

Joe sucked in a sharp breath. "You haven't talked to anyone today?" 

"No." A cold feeling began to unfurl in the pit of her stomach. "Joe-"

He rubbed his hand over his lips, dragged it down over his jaw and she knew what that gesture meant. "Cait," he said and his voice was more gentle than she'd ever heard it. "Let's sit down." 

She let him guide her to the couch, sank down into it on suddenly wobbly knees. "What's wrong?" she whispered when he took her hands in his and it felt wrong because his hands were cold and Joe's hands were always so warm. 

"Cait, I was called to a scene today... Domestic violence, husband beat up his wife, she managed to call 911..." He sucked in a deep breath. "When the first cop got there, she was unconscious in the kitchen... He was a young guy, didn't clear the scene properly, turns out the husband was still there, hiding... he attacked the EMTs who were treating his wife. Stabbed them." 

Caitlin was freezing cold now too, shaking violently, picturing  the scene as easily as she'd pictured the cosy domestic West family Christmas that morning. "Did they make it?" 

But she already knew the answer before the shake of his head. "Cait..." He paused for a horrible moment and she steeled herself for the final blow, praying she was wrong. "It was Amy and her partner." 

For just a moment, she was back in the STAR Labs pipeline, screaming Ronnie's name, she was standing in the cortex watching as Jay's lifeless body was sucked through a swirling vortex. 

"No." His face shimmered in front of her, blurred by her tears. "No." 

"Cait." His voice was trembling, his hands moving to her shoulders, holding her tightly. "Baby, I'm so sorry..."

"No." She pushed his hands away, stood up, needing to be moving, to be doing something. "No, we just ate brunch this morning. We were supposed to spend the day together, but she got called... she wasn't supposed... She shouldn't..."

He stood in front of her, stopping her pacing. "C'mere," she heard him say, but for the first time in a long time, she didn't want a Joe West hug, couldn't trust that to fix everything. 

"If I'd known... I could have stopped it. I could have fixed it." She wrung her hands together, wishing she had Barry's power of super speed, wishing she could go back in time, just a few hours and tell her friend to call in sick, to give any excuse not to go into work. "I should have been able to..." 

"Cait." His hands were on her shoulders again, fingers making small circles there. She was barely aware of him, barely aware of what he was saying, until she heard the words, "You couldn't have known."

"Yes I could." The words were out before she could stop them and while she knew she should stop talking before anything else came out, the words kept on coming and she was as powerless against hem as King Canute had been against the oncoming tide. "If I'd known her, known her name, I could have stopped it, I could have saved her." His hands fell from her shoulders and he took a step back and she knew she should stop but the words still kept coming. "There's so much I know that I can't tell you... I saw a movie in the theatres today, it only came out last week but I could quote wholes lines from it because I grew up watching it. I knew who was going to win the last Presidential election, and I can tell you who'll win the next one, and the one after that and the one after that. I know that Iris is going to be the most amazing woman and friend and you're going to be so proud of her... and I know that Grandma Esther's eggnog could fuel the space shuttle..." 

She gave a hysterical laugh, when she looked at him. His jaw was slack, mouth agape and he was staring at her like he'd never seen her before. "I always say that..." His whisper was equal parts shocked and horrified. "How do you..." 

"You need to go." In some strange way, his shock had returned a modicum of equilibrium, a smidgen of sanity, enough to wonder what the hell she'd just done. 

"Cait..." He was reaching out for her and for just a moment, she was blue lightning from his fingers. 

"Don't call me that!" It was a scream the like of which she'd rarely heard from her own lips, shrill and terrible and he recoiled at it. Trying desperately to pull herself together, she sucked in a breath, let it out slowly. "You need to go, Joe." She turned her back to him, wrapped her arms around herself so that she wouldn't be tempted to reach for him. "Please." 

It seemed a long time before she heard him move, before she heard the door close behind him. 

For the second night in a row, she cried herself to sleep.  

*

The next few days passed in a blur of tears and work and lonely nights filled with more tears. Joe didn't come by her apartment, didn't call and when she looked up from the crowd of mourners at Amy's funeral and met his eyes, she quickly looked away. She didn't want to see the confusion in his eyes, or worse, hate or fear.

But she missed him. 

Because they'd only been able to see each other every few days, for snatched hours at a time, she'd told herself that they weren't serious, that they could stop any time and it would all be fine. 

But the brand of coffee he liked was in her kitchen and his favourite beer was in her refrigerator. She had a toothbrush and shower gel in her bathroom cabinet that belonged just to him, even a bottle of the cologne he wore so he could splash it on before he left. She thought of one side of the bed as his and the other as hers and when she woke in the night, hand outstretched as if reaching for someone who wasn't there, it was his pillow she was staring at. 

And all the while, Amy's words were ringing in her ears : _"Joe is completely, head over heels, in love with you."_

When the weekend rolled around and she woke up on Sunday morning, those words in her ears, Joe's touch haunting her dreams, her body thrumming with want, she stood up and went for the phone. 

"Hey," she said when he answered the phone and she was grateful that he had a rule that Iris wasn't allowed to pick up once he was in the house. "It's me." 

"Hey." There was a certain amount of surprise in his voice - expected, really, since she rarely took the chance of calling him at home - but a certain amount of wariness too. She'd like to think that it was because she was calling him at home on a Sunday morning but she knew there was more to it than that. 

"I know you probably didn't expect to hear from me," she began carefully.  "But I think we need to talk. Can we meet?" 

There was a long pause, or what seemed like one. "It's Sunday morning," he said and she knew what that meant - church with his parents and Iris, before spending the day with his daughter. Even his captain knew that Sundays were a special day for him, tried not to call him in unless there was no choice. 

"I know that." She wrapped the cord of the phone around her fingers, concentrating on that in an effort to calm the hammering of her heart. "And I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important." It was hard to breathe all of a sudden and her next word was a whispered, "Please, Joe?" 

He sighed. "I can be there in an hour." 

"Not my place," she said quickly. "Simpson Park, beside the bandstand? I'll explain once you get there." 

Another pause, another sigh. "I'll be there." 

"Thank you." She wasn't sure if he heard her because the next thing she heard was a soft click, then the dial tone rang in her ear. 

She dressed carefully, keeping her outfit casual but choosing a pair of jeans that flattered her figure, a jumper in a colour that she knew Joe liked on her. She styled her hair into a simple ponytail, kept makeup to a minimum - she had a feeling she was only going to cry it off anyway. She was waiting at the bandstand when he got there and she smiled as she saw him walking towards him, his presence reminding her just how much she'd missed him. 

"I thought you'd changed your mind," she began and he dug his hands into his coat pockets, rocked back on his heels. 

"Thought about it." She didn't know if she was grateful for his honesty or worried by it. "But I had to wait for my mom to pick up Iris." 

"Sure." She didn't know what to do with her hands, not when they itched to hold his and she copied his posture, jammed them into the pockets of her coat. Glancing around the park, she inclined her head towards the duck pond. "Can we walk?" 

He fell into step beside her and she took a deep breath. "I know," she began hesitantly, "especially after this last week, that you have questions... that you've had them for the last year..."

Joe huffed out a laugh that was completely devoid of humour. "And the rest," he muttered and he looked chastened when she caught her lip between her teeth. 

"I deserve that," she told him frankly. "I know you've been frustrated by all the things I can't tell you... all the secrets I've kept. But I had a good reason for that. And I still do..." She stopped walking, stood in front of him with tears in her eyes and her heart in her hands. "But I want to tell you the truth, Joe." She shuddered, knowing full well what she was about to do. "No matter what." 

His eyes were equal parts hopeful and scared. "OK." 

Another deep breath and Caitlin jumped right in. She was facing him, the duck pond at her back and she jutted her head backwards in the general direction. "You see that man over there?" She didn't look around, because she knew what she'd see if she looked. It was Sunday morning after all, and Joe West wasn't the only one with his Sunday morning habits. She'd come here every Sunday morning she could for the last couple of years and each time, it had been like a knife to her heart. "The one by the duck pond, bag of crumbs in his hand, long brown coat?"

Joe's eyes moved over her shoulder and she watched him as he scanned the park, saw the instant he settled on who she was talking about. "I see him." His voice was controlled, wary, and his fingers dropped to his hip, closing around the sidearm that she knew was safely locked up in his gun safe at home. "You know him?"

"Sort of." He still wasn't looking at Caitlin, was staring at the man. "He's my father."

That got his attention in a hurry, his head snapping down to hers so quickly that she might have laughed if she didn't want to cry. Joe's eyes were wide, amazed, his jaw hanging slightly open. "Your dad?" He sounded like he couldn't believe it and when he frowned, looked back towards the duck pond, Caitlin knew why he sounded like that. 

Because the man she was looking at was only a few years older than Joe. Which was to say, nowhere near old enough to have a daughter Caitlin's age. 

Taking a deep breath, knowing that she'd already lost him, Caitlin continued. "And that girl beside him? That's me." 

Joe's head snapped back up, eyes snapping to the girl he probably hadn't even noticed seconds earlier and this time, Caitlin turned her head slowly, finding her younger self. Her long hair flowed down her back, let loose because Daddy liked it like that, just as much as Mom hated it, and she was wearing a bright pink hat with an equally garish bobble on top. There was a scarf to match and she wondered who let her dress like that - then again, she realised, if Mom had told her not to buy it, she'd have done it out of sheer spite. The navy blue parka was timeless enough, and blue jeans and sneakers never went out of style: all in all, she decided, there were probably worse Sundays she could have picked to come clean with Joe. 

"What are you talking-" The question died on Joe's lips as the young Caitlin turned to look at her father, for the first time giving them both a clear look at her face which was unquestionably Caitlin's own - the years hadn't changed her overmuch. Caitlin felt the world tilt a little bit on its axis, looking at her younger self and if the shocked gasp, the quick intake of breath was anything to go by, Joe felt equally as stunned. More so, she amended when she looked back at him - at least she'd known what she was going to see this morning. 

Joe was silent for a long moment before he looked down at her. "That's you." His finger moved between her face and the two people at the duck pond. "How is that you?"

Mindful of the fact that they were attracting a couple of curious stares, Caitlin tucked her hand into the crook of his other arm, moved him away from where they were standing towards a bench a little further down along the path. When they were sitting down, Joe's gaze often moving from her face to back over her shoulder, Caitlin took both his hands in hers. "Do you remember the first time we met?" she asked him and he nodded. 

"Unconscious and beaten in a vacant lot?" Even now, there was worry in his voice and he adjusted one of their hands, lacing their fingers together and Caitlin tried not to think of that as a good sign - she didn't want to get her hopes up. "Not the kind of thing you forget."

"I was unconscious," she said. "But I wasn't beaten. And where I come from... when I come from... that lot isn't vacant. There's a building there... a laboratory where I work."

She paused when she saw him tilt his head, narrow his eyes, knowing him well enough to know that a question was coming. "And when you say 'when' you come from... that would be..."

Caitlin shook her head. "I can't tell you that." His eyes flashed and hers widened. "I want to... but the less you know of the specifics, the better... we can't do anything to alter the time line." She knew, from Barry's journey into the past, that the universe didn't like being messed with and goodness knows, she'd certainly done enough playing roulette with time in the last couple of years. "I know this doesn't make sense..."

Much to her surprise, Joe was nodding as he interrupted her. "Actually, that does." He shrugged. "I've seen _Back to the Future_." 

For just a moment, she was back in STAR Labs, watching Cisco try to simplify time travel explanations to Joe via movie references. The idea that if things worked out, Joe could be the one giving Cisco lessons made her head swim, even as the memory made her smile. Of everything she'd lost, all the things, all the people, it was Cisco she missed the most. "I know," she whispered and when his fingers flexed against hers, she realised she must have be silent, remembering, for longer than she'd thought. 

"So," he said, "if you are from the future... and strange as that might seem, I got no other explanation for your pint sized double over there... why are you here? How are you here?"

"I wish I knew. There was some kind of vortex... some rip in space and time I guess... it pulled me in and I landed here." She shrugged helplessly. "Theoretical physics isn't my strong point... I'm a medical doctor." He looked impressed when she said that, his lips turning up in a grin and she continued, "Not practising, mostly research..." She left out all the details, but glanced over her shoulder, saw her younger self and her father making their way out of the park. She was holding onto her dad's arm, chattering a mile a minute, looking up at him like he'd just hung the moon and he was looking down at her attentively, listening to every word with a smile on his face. Tears of nostalgia stung her eyes and when she looked back towards Joe, he shifted closer to her, took one hand away from hers and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. She leaned into him, closed her eyes and breathed deeply. 

"Your dad?" The question was quiet, knowing and she nodded against his shoulder. 

"In about another year..." She was vague with the details, but  could have given him day, date and hour if she'd been asked. "He's going to be diagnosed with MS. It's going to progress rapidly... far more rapidly than they think at first. And eventually, it's going to kill him. All she'll be able to do is watch." She tilted her head up, met his eyes. "I wanted to help find a cure, wanted to help people... and then I ended up here." 

He was quiet for a long moment. "And based on what you said last time we talked... I'm guessing that my first meeting with you was not your first meeting with me." 

She considered her response but not for too long - there was no point being coy, not now. "I know you," she said carefully. "And I know Iris." His eyes widened in curiosity and she hurried on. "That's why I can't meet her... if she meets me, if she recognises me... Joe, it's bad enough that you know all this. If anything happens to change your future... my past... I don't  know what that means for me. Or if it means anything... and I'm scared..." A tear escaped, ran down her cheek and she didn't even try to stop it, or the next one, or the one after that. "I'm scared all the time. Of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing... I was scared to get involved with you in the first place and now I can't imagine not having you in my life..."

"You don't have to." His voice was strong, as strong as his hands that had suddenly moved up to cup her cheeks. "Cait, this is... look, this is insane. I know that. But I also know my own eyes...  Not only that, I know you and, sweetheart, you can't lie to save your life." His smile was fond, teasing and Caitlin felt her cheeks heat under his hands. "I don't know how this all happened, or why... all I know is,  however you got here, however you ended up in my life... I want you there. However crazy this is, Cait, we can work it out... if that's what you want."

There was only one response to that, Caitlin felt, which was to throw her arms around his neck and sob tears of pure relief into his shoulder. Two years of pain and longing and loneliness poured out and he held her closely, one hand cupping the back of her head as he whispered soothing words into her ears. Eventually, when she had cried herself out, she straightened up, wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands. 

"I must look a mess," she said but his smile said something different. 

"Nah," he said. "You look beautiful. Always." 

She knew her cheeks were red and not just from crying. "Now who's lying?" she quipped. He didn't touch that, but he did touch her cheek, ran his hand down it, coming to rest cupping her chin. 

"We're gonna work this out, Cait," he told her and he made it sound like a promise. "Together." 

Knowing that this was more than she'd ever dreamed of hoping for, Caitlin took his face in her hands, drew him close for a kiss. It started off slow, gentle, but then his mouth opened against hers and his tongue traced her lips. She sighed into his kiss, felt the stresses of the last week - the last two years - slip away with the knowledge that there was finally someone who knew the truth, that she wasn't alone any more. 

He was the first one to pull away, looked around them with a furtive look on his face. She'd almost forgotten they were in public and she looked down, fighting an inopportune fit of the giggles. "That's more like it." The knuckles of one hand grazed her cheek and she leaned into his touch, her eyes fluttering shut. His next quiet words had her opening them quickly, had her smiling. 

"I love you," he said and she didn't have to think about her answer. 

"I love you too." 


	6. 2000

One of the things Caitlin had often missed about living through the back end of the 90s was the absence of Caller ID - it had freaked her out at first, when people had begun calling her and she'd had no idea who it was. Eventually, she'd become accustomed to it but today, she didn't need Caller ID to know that it would be Joe on the other end of the line. The time was a dead giveaway - barely ten minutes after Iris had left for school, enough time for her to be on the bus and in no danger of returning to the house, but before either Joe or Caitlin themselves had to leave for work. It was the time he always called - she didn't often reciprocate, just in case Iris was home from school for some reason - and usually, Caitlin answered the phone with a smile on her face, eager to hear his voice. 

Not today. 

Not when she hadn't heard from him since March eighteenth. 

"Hello?" She answered cautiously, just in case someone else was on the line after all. 

"Hey, it's me." Joe's voice was soft, but not from affection. Caitlin knew him well enough to hear the fatigue, the strain, hiding underneath. 

"Hey." She sat down on her couch, curled her legs underneath her and tried not to bite her lip. "How are you?" 

Joe chuckled. "I think you know." There wasn't much Caitlin could say to that so she just looked up to the ceiling and bit her lip - it didn't matter when she was the only one to see it. There was a long exhale of breath on the other end of the line. "I didn't mean it like that." 

"I know." 

Another sigh. "Look, can I see you? Are you free for lunch?" 

Caitlin glanced over at the clock. "I'm on the late shift," she told him. "Come over now."

On any other day, Joe would have said something to make her blush. Indeed, he often had. Today though, he made do with, "I'm on my way." 

The next thing Caitlin heard was a click followed by a dial tone and she laid the phone back into its cradle before lifting a stack of newspapers up off the coffee table. On the front page of one, a smiling Barry Allen, ten years old, had his arms wrapped around his mother's neck, his father standing beside them, the three of them looking like the quintessential All-American family. 

As quickly as she could, Caitlin made her way to the basement of the building and threw them in the trash. 

By the time Joe let himself in, the apartment was spotless, there were fresh sheets on the bed, just in case and Caitlin's makeup was freshly applied to hide the circles under her eyes - he had no such cosmetic help and one glance at him told her he'd been sleeping about as well as she had over the last few nights. 

He threw his keys on the hall table beside hers and hung up his coat before turning to her. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it without saying anything, just shook his head. 

"Oh, Joe..." The words were out of her mouth before she even thought about it and, likewise, her arms were around his neck, her body pressed against his. Her left arm reached around his shoulders, made a fist in his shirt, while her right reached up, fingers running over his hair. At her touch, it was like all the air left his body in a rush and he dropped his head, buried it in the crook where her neck met her shoulder. He trembled in her arms and she held him tighter, squeezed her eyes shut and sent up a prayer to whoever might be listening, if anyone indeed was, that she'd find the right thing to say. 

She didn't know how long they stood like that, but he was the one who moved first. "Hi." He cupped her face in his hands, let both thumbs sweep up and down over her cheeks. It was her turn to tremble then. She gave him a small smile, one that faded when he said, "You know?" 

She didn't have to guess what he was talking about. "I saw the newspapers," she started but he didn't let her away with that. 

"That's not what I mean." He held her gaze, steady and level and completely trusting and Caitlin somehow knew, in that instant, that whatever she told him, he would believe her, moreover that he would accept whatever she told him and not push for more. "You know." 

Caitlin nodded slowly because in all the time she'd known him, certainly for the last two years, she'd been waiting for a moment like this, if not necessarily this moment. A moment where, like when he'd come face to face with her younger self in the park, the truth of what she'd told him couldn't be denied, where he couldn't pretend that it hadn't happened, that she wasn't what she was. If she was honest, there was a part of her that couldn't believe he'd accepted it so well, even if she'd spent two years telling herself that, when faced with evidence of Barry's abilities, Joe had moved from sceptic to protective believer faster than Barry had thought possible. She'd always told herself that that should tell her something about his feelings for her, had been comforted by that very thought. But they hadn't talked much about what she knew of the future, preferring to live in the here and now.  Until this.  "Yes," she whispered, gaze dropping down to the carpet. "I know." 

Once again, Joe let out a long sigh. "I figured." Then it was his turn to reach for her, to pull her close against his body and wrap his arms around her. She felt him press a kiss to the side of her head and she closed her eyes, rested her head on his shoulder and listened to his heart beat - a little faster than usual - through the fabric of his shirt. "You don't have to tell me anything," he said eventually and she lifted her head as she laughed softly, sliding her hand into his and leading him towards the couch. 

When they were sitting comfortably - him with his legs stretched out in front of him, her with hers curled underneath her, the two of them still hand in hand - it was he who spoke first. "I mean it, Cait," he told her. "You don't have to tell me anything and I won't ask... except this one thing." 

A shiver, not the pleasurable kind, worked its way down Caitlin's spine. "Joe..."

"He's so angry." Joe didn't usually interrupt her and partly because of that, partly because of the frustration in his voice, Caitlin let him go on. "Which I get. I mean, your dad kills your mom, you're going to be angry, you're not gonna want to believe it, I get that, I do. But I'm trying to get through to him, to get him to eat, to cry, anything, and I just..." He broke off, looked somewhere over her head with tears in his eyes. "I just want to help him, and no matter what I do..."

Caitlin tightened her grip on his hand, leaned closer to him and, just as he had done to her moments earlier, cupped his cheek with her other hand. Her heart ached as she considered her words, picturing the Joe and Barry she had known, wishing she could give him a better answer, wishing she had been privy to whatever magic words he'd used. But she'd never been close to that Joe and she'd never had that conversation with that Barry. So all she had to go on was her heart, and what she knew to be true. "Joe, I know you want to help him... And I wish... I wish I could tell you what to say, what to do, but I can't. All I know..." Tears came into her own eyes and she swallowed hard. "You are a good man, Joe West. And an even better father. All you need to do is keep doing what you're doing and Barry will come around. I know he will."

Joe held her gaze for a long moment, searching her face, the face that, everyone always told her, couldn't tell a lie. When he found what he was looking for - when he let himself believe it - she felt any residual tension drain from his body and he sagged back against the couch cushions. His hand moved to her cheek, then around to the back of her neck and he pulled her close, whispered a "thank you" before his lips found hers. 

She let herself fall against his chest, felt him shift slightly so that he was more lying on his back, pulling her with him so that she was lying on top of him. His hands moved from her neck down her back, bringing their lower bodies into closer contact and she smiled into the kiss when she heard him moan. She drew back, just enough so that she could look into his eyes and what she saw there made her bite back a moan of her own. "I have missed you," he said. "Two weeks is too long." 

"You're here now," Caitlin reminded him. "Let's see what we can do about that."

The answer was apparently quite a lot. 


	7. 2001

Caitlin woke up to the summer sun streaming in through a crack in the blinds, promising blue skies and another beautiful day. That wasn't why she smiled into her pillow though, why a rush of excitement passed through her entire body, making her shiver, making her tingle from her head to her toes. 

That was to do with the warm body behind her, pressed against her back, with the arm draped around her waist tracing slow circles around her navel. It was to do with the lips trailing in and around her left shoulder blade, gentle kisses designed to wake and arouse her in equal measure. 

She half turned her head, meeting Joe's smile, his eyes that told her loud and clear he was enjoying it as much as she was. "Good morning," she whispered and his voice was an octave lower than it usually was when he replied in kind. 

Then his lips were on hers, sliding together in a slow kiss, then another and another before he caught her bottom lip between his, pulled at it gently. His tongue traced against the seam of her lips and she opened her mouth, deepening the kiss as she slid her hands down his back, pulling him closer to her as she lost herself in the touch and taste of him. 

She could get used to waking up like this. 

She told him as much when the need to actually breathe forced them to pull apart from each other. Even then, it was only as far as their foreheads resting against one another. Her admission seemed to delight him if the chuckle he let out was anything to go by and he brushed a kiss over her temple for good measure. 

"Ditto." He moved so that he was lying on his back, pulling her with him so that she was lying with her left cheek pillowed on his chest, their legs tangled together. His right arm was looped around her shoulders, his fingers making absentminded patterns on her skin while the fingers of his left hand were laced with the fingers of her right hand. He held the joined hands up, flexing his fingers up and down, staring at them thoughtfully. "It's crazy," he said after a few moments. "Four years, we've been seeing each other. How is this the first time we're waking up together?" 

Caitlin just lifted an eyebrow, because in view of their unique circumstances, it was actually quite easy to explain. With Joe having Iris at home, and now Barry, he couldn't exactly stay out all night. Even on the nights that Iris had been at friends' houses for sleepovers, Joe had liked to be at home, just in case something happened and he had to be contacted, so staying at Caitlin's apartment was out. Caitlin, meanwhile, resolutely refused to set foot inside the West house - she knew how smart Iris was and she didn't trust her not to have some sort of sixth sense that another woman had been in the house. Which made Joe chuckle and roll his eyes, but he couldn't exactly disagree with her assessment of Iris's intelligence so he'd never pushed the matter much. 

"God bless reptile camp," she murmured, pressing a kiss to his shoulder so that she felt, as well as heard, the rumble of his laugh. 

"And dance camp." His fingers tightened on hers. "Thank you for that, by the way." 

Caitlin shrugged. It had been the one time Joe had accepted money from her, because she knew finances, always tight, were even tighter now with two kids in the house and once Barry had found a camp he wanted to go to, and Iris had too, Joe didn't want either of his kids missing out. Her helping out financially had been the obvious solution, even if Joe had baulked at the suggestion at first. She'd been happy to help though, remembered one late night at STAR Labs talking to Iris about their childhoods and the other woman telling her about going to camp that summer and how much fun she'd had. Idly, Caitlin wondered how Joe had afforded it then, but his fingertips tracing down her skin distracted her from further thought. 

"Well, I did have certain ulterior motives," she teased, propping herself up on one elbow, sliding her body against his. 

His smile was bright as the morning sun. "God bless ulterior motives," he said, kissing her again. 

They lost track of time for a while after that and when Caitlin looked at the clock next, she blinked with surprise at how late it was. "We should get up," she said and, from the leer on his face, she guessed his next comment. "Stop," she laughed, swatting at his chest. "What would you like for breakfast? I have-"

She didn't get to tell him because he moved quickly, pressing her down on the bed, covering her body with his. "You," was all he said before he began kissing a determined path down her body, with quite obviously a singular destination in mind. Caitlin laughed but her back arched almost of its own accord as he moved lower, and she bit her lip to keep back a moan as he expertly moved his lips to just where she wanted him. It was, she thought, the good thing about being together for four years, how they knew one another's bodies and, with today's added luxury of time, she was looking forward to seeing how much better they could learn each other. 

Then his mouth closed over her and she gasped and she didn't think for a while after that. 

When she came back to herself, her fingers tangled in the sheets, her breaths quick and panting, he was kissing his way back up her body, then holding himself over her until she opened her eyes. He looked supremely satisfied with himself, leaned forward and kissed the top of her nose. "OK?" he asked and she knew it was a question on two levels. Nodding slowly, she raised one hand to the back of his neck, pulling him down to kiss him, the other one slipping down between them and making him groan, making his hips stutter. Scant moments later they groaned in unison as he eased inside her, moving slowly, by unspoken agreement each savouring every second of their union. She lost track of time, only conscious of the feel of him inside her, his skin against hers, the feelings he brought out in her and she came again with a shout of his name, her fingernails scoring marks into his skin. He followed immediately after, her name on his lips too and afterwards, when her head lay on his chest, she could feel as well as hear the pounding of his heart. 

"OK," he said eventually and there was a smile in his voice. "Now I'm ready for breakfast." Lifting her head, she swatted his chest again but when he continued, "After all, I think we're going to need to keep our strength up." 

Caitlin arched one eyebrow. "Is this where you tell me you're planning to spend the whole week in bed?" 

Joe cocked an eyebrow of his own. "Is this where you're trying to figure out if I've forgotten we have Jack's wedding the day after tomorrow?" He sounded almost affronted, or he would have if he didn't sound so damn amused. "Please, an opportunity to get all suited and booted, see you all dolled up, twirl you round the dance floor?" He brushed his lips over her cheek. "A week where we get to be a normal couple? I wouldn't miss it for the world." 

Caitlin smiled. "Me neither." 

*

It would be a lie to say they made it far from the bedroom that first day, and even much of the second day was spent wrapped in one another's arms. The third day was, however, Jack's wedding and since Caitlin had heard plenty about the arrangements - even though Jack wasn't her partner anymore, they tried to have lunch together once a week and she'd had to talk him down off a ledge more than once - she'd really been looking forward to it. Realising the dates coincided exactly with Barry and Iris's camps, so that Joe could accompany her, was just the icing on the cake. 

She took her time that morning, curling her hair, making sure her make up was exactly right. If Joe's reaction when he saw her, his slow smile, his admiring shake of the head, was anything to go by, she'd done a good job. He helped her fix the clasp of her necklace, leaning forward to press a kiss to the side of her neck. "I thought you shouldn't outshine the bride," he said and she laughed, turning in his arms to look at him in his suit. 

"You don't scrub up so bad yourself," she told him, admiring how the jacket framed his shoulders and chest, how the material draped so much more nicely than the police uniforms he wore or the casual shirts and jeans he favoured off duty. It made her shake her head to realise that she'd seen him in suits all the time when she'd first known him and had never noticed those little features - now she could hardly wait for him to make detective, though she wasn't exactly sure when that would happen. 

"Can't let you down in front of all your friends," he said, pressing a quick, careful kiss across her lips. "Which reminds me..." Carefully, he slid his wedding ring from his finger, left it on the bedside table. He flexed his fingers, held out his hand and looked at it as a shiver ran down Caitlin's spine. 

"I've never seen you without it." The words were out before she could think about them, before she could stop them and he blinked as he registered their meaning. 

"Never?" 

The reason he kept wearing the ring even though Francine was long gone - and he'd told her the truth about that, even as she'd kept her counsel, not letting on that she'd already known - and even though he'd been seeing her for four years was that when people saw the ring, they assumed he was still grieving for his lost wife, was still loyal to her, wasn't ready to move on. Therefore questions didn't get asked and blind dates didn't get offered - although, lately, he'd told her that people were starting to give him second looks, tell him, "So, I've got this friend..." 

She thought he might ask her more questions about it, saw him consider it but then he just looked at the ring one more time before holding out his arm to her. "Shall we?" 

Caitlin didn't need to be asked twice. 

The wedding went off without a hitch and neither Jack nor Suzanne stopped smiling all day. Tears came to Caitlin's eyes when Jack caught sight of his bride for the first time and she couldn't stop them flowing down her cheeks when they said their vows. Joe's hand tightened in hers when he noticed it and he handed her a handkerchief with a knowing grin. "I knew you were a closet romantic," he whispered and she tried to deny it - and long ago, she would have been able to, but that had been Caitlin Snow. Cait Raymond, apparently, had a slightly different temperament. 

The day passed in a blur of laughter and merriment and near the end of the night, she and Joe were swaying on the dance floor to a slow song, one of many they'd danced to that evening. High heels meant that Caitlin was almost the same height as him so she pressed her cheek against his while he held their joined hands over his heart. 

"Let me know when you're ready to get out of here," he murmured into her ear and she turned her head, blinking at him. 

"I don't want this night to end," she told him and he sighed his agreement. "Look at them," she continued, gazing over at Jack and Suzanne who were dancing while barely moving, only having eyes for each other. "Look how happy they are." 

Joe looked but his gaze came back to her quickly. "You ever think about that?" he asked and, just in case she didn't understand, he added, "Getting married."

She smiled, but this time, sadly. "I try not to think about what I can't have," she told him. 

"I think about it." His words had electricity zinging down her spine, followed instantly by a cold shiver because it was impossible and they both knew it. "I know, I know... I know all the reasons. But I still do it. Me looking like a penguin, you in some amazing dress, looking gorgeous... Iris and Barry teasing us about being gross and embarrassing..." Caitlin could imagine it, all too easily. "I've thought about asking you a thousand times."

Caitlin sucked in a shuddering breath. "You know... if I could... I'd say yes." 

That brought a grin from ear to ear and he leaned down to bring his lips to hers. When he pulled away, he rested his forehead against hers, spoke so softly that she had to strain to hear him. "One day," he said, "when we're through with all the secrets... I'm going to ask you that properly. Is that OK with you?"

All Caitlin could do was nod and lean in to kiss him again, whispering the only words she needed to say as their lips touched. 

"Yes."


	8. 2005

Wiping the back of her hand across her mouth, Caitlin took a deep breath and let it out slowly, waiting to find if the worst of her nausea had passed.  Satisfied that it had - at the very least she doubted there was anything left in her stomach to come up - she stood on shaky legs, flushed the toilet and exited the stall, jumping when she came face to face with her new partner. 

Stella's eyes were dark with worry. "Are you ok?" she asked, then instantly screwed up her eyes and shook her head quickly. Her dark ponytail swished from side to side and Caitlin's stomach rolled again at the motion. "Forget it, you're not ok." 

Caitlin ignored her concern, passed her to get to the sink, ran the cold water hard and held her wrists under it for a moment. "I'm ok," she said, even if she knew it wouldn't be believed. "Must be something I ate."

Stella said nothing at first, just lifted one eyebrow and Caitlin took advantage of the silence, leaning over and filling her mouth with water, rinsing and spitting and then repeating the manoeuvre. That done, she held her wrists under the water again before grabbing some paper towels from the dispenser, drying her hands with some and carefully dabbing under her eyes with the other. 

"You're sure that's all it is?" Stella's voice was curious, but gentle, which Caitlin didn't understand. The penny only dropped when Stella continued, "Look, it's 2005, I'm not judging... but if my partner's pregnant, I'd like to know so I can do the heavy lifting, you know?" 

Caitlin's jaw dropped and she had to open and close it a couple of times before she could speak. "Stella, I'm not pregnant." 

Again, the raised eyebrow. "I'm just saying... you can talk to me.  If you are. I won't tell anyone." 

Caitlin had to take a deep breath, let it out slowly. "I'm not," she whispered quietly, and, if the truth be known, a little wistfully. Well into her mid-thirties now, she'd long since made peace with the fact that pregnancy and motherhood were never going to be an option for her, no matter how much she wished it to be otherwise. Still though, while the logical and practical side of her brain told her that it would be a disaster, there was another part of her, the part that was madly in love with a good man who already was an excellent father and that was the part that occasionally made her wonder what if. 

"OK." Stella still didn't sound convinced. "Look, I'll meet you at the bus in a few minutes... I'll swing by the cafeteria, see if they have any ginger ale, settle your stomach." 

Caitlin smiled. "Thank you." 

Once the door swung shut behind Stella though, she found herself staring into the mirror through eyes that were suddenly filled with tears. 

She'd told Stella the truth - she wasn't pregnant. But her attack of nausea did have to do with kids, Joe's kids in particular. 

She'd been in the E.R. just finishing bringing in a patient, a sweet old lady who'd fallen in her house and broken her hip, who'd spent the entire journey to the hospital telling Caitlin all about her son who was single with his own job and house, who'd be just perfect for a nice girl like her. Caitlin had spent the whole ride trying to keep back her smile while Stella, driving, hadn't even bothered keeping back her snickers. 

She'd been heading to the water cooler to grab a quick drink when a figure, a movement in the corner of her eye registered. Her brain had marked it as Joe before she'd turned to look harder and her breath had caught in her throat when she'd caught sight of the man's profile properly and realised that it was indeed Joe, that he was there. Which in itself wasn't overly unusual, she'd seen him at the hospital before when he was on the job. 

What was unusual was that he hadn't been alone. There had been a teenage boy standing in front of him, his eyes wide as Joe's hands were braced on his shoulders. "They wouldn't let me out of class," the boy was saying, the words rapid and panicked. "I knew something was wrong but they wouldn't tell me..."

"Hey, hey, it's ok." Joe's voice had been calm, measured, even if Caitlin had been able to see the pinched look of worry in his eyes. "Iris is fine, she's gonna be ok, son..." 

And with that, he'd pulled Barry into his arms, looked over the boy's shoulder and his eyes had met Caitlin's, grown wide with shock. 

Caitlin had mustered what shaky smile she could, nodded once before moving away slowly, so as not to attract attention. 

Then she'd found the nearest bathroom and thrown up. 

Staring at herself in the mirror, she reminds herself that she'd always known that this could happen, that even in a place as big as Central City, there was a risk she could run into someone she knew from her future. It was actually, she supposed, something of a minor miracle that it hadn't happened before now, and at least there would be no consequences from it, beyond a bad case of the shakes and a partner who was convinced she was pregnant. 

All told, it could have been worse and Caitlin reminded herself of that one last time as she walked out to finish the rest of her shift. 

How she got through it, she would never know, but it took all of her strength to do so. Arriving home that night, she barely had enough energy to stand under the shower before falling into bed and into a fitful sleep, enduring dreams of Barry and Iris staring accusingly at her as Joe moved further and further away. 

A series of beeps woke her the next morning and she glared at her alarm clock because she didn't remember setting it - why would she, she was on the late shift. It turned out that it wasn't her alarm clock though and when she heard a familiar voice calling, "It's just me," she figured out that Joe had let himself in and was hopefully managing to successfully switch off her burglar alarm. 

The beeps stopped just after she heard his voice and she flopped back onto the bed, knowing he'd figure out where she was. Sure enough, footsteps came down the hall and the bedroom door opened fully and Joe gave her a smile of what looked like gratitude when he saw her there. "Hey," he said and she blinked when she saw him in a casual shirt and jeans rather than his usual suit and tie. "You ok?" He was toeing off his shoes as he talked, climbing onto the bed beside her and kissing her quickly. 

"Late shift," she explained but he shook his head. 

"I saw you yesterday, at the hospital." He lay on his side, head propped up on his hand. "You looked like you were going to faint." 

She reached out and ran her hand along his cheek, found more stubble there than she was used to. "I saw you," she told him and then, after a pause, "and Barry." She couldn't help the shiver that ran down her spine. "Seeing him so young..." Another thought occurred to her and she gasped. "Iris! Is she..."

"She's fine, she's fine." His hand ran down from her shoulder to her elbow. "Ruptured appendix." Caitlin winced and he grimaced. "She'd been complaining of a stomach ache yesterday morning, I put it down to ladies' problems and phys ed in the afternoon." Caitlin bit her lip. "Not exactly father of the year." 

"You couldn't have known..."

"I know that. But my little girl's in hospital and Barry had nightmares half the night and someone's gotta get the blame for it, right?" He sighed, shook his head before leaning in to rest his forehead against hers. "She's gonna be in hospital for the next couple of days, Barry is at school, Captain gave me some time off... I just needed to see you." 

He sounded so sincere yet so tired that Caitlin didn't even think about what to do. Sliding her arms around his neck, she pulled him down so that their lips met. He went with her willingly, shifting so that he was lying on top of her, the bedcovers between them, his hands moving through her hair and down her shoulders, one of hers cupping the back of his head, the other moving down his back, finding the hem of his shirt and pushing up underneath it. 

When they broke apart, Joe's hand trailed lazily down her cheek. "Man, I have missed you." He brushed a kiss across her forehead. "Days like yesterday... they make me realise how nice it would be to have you there all the time." Alarm coursed through her and it must have shown on her face because he chuckled, kissed her again. "I know you can't... I know why." His thumb swept a path up and down her cheek. "It just... it would be nice to have someone to share things with... good and bad." 

Caitlin couldn't disagree with him - she'd thought that many times. Times when he'd appeared at her door, needing someone to talk to, or someone to celebrate with. Times when she'd come home after a bad day and she'd have given her eye teeth to have someone to curl up on the couch with, to hold her the way Joe was now. "You know if I could..."

"I know." He held her gaze steadily. "We both would." Without taking his eyes off hers, his hands moved, pushing down the bedclothes so that the only thing between them was the clothes they were wearing and, in her case at least, that wasn't much. "We will." 

He said it like it was a question and a promise all mixed up together and once again, Caitlin didn't have to think about her response. 

"We will."


	9. 2014 - January

Caitlin hadn't turned on the news since the night that the particle accelerator exploded. 

Well, that was mostly true. 

She'd been at home that night - as was her habit when she knew a Big Day was coming up, she'd requested that day off - and even though her apartment was on the complete opposite side of town, she'd felt the shock waves, had lost a coffee mug that was perched too close to the edge of the kitchen counter. The television had been on, showing some movie that she'd only been half paying attention to, and local news had more or less immediately broken into the programming with on the site reports of what was happening. 

Caitlin had watched it, horrified, until she couldn't bear it any more and then she'd gone to bed where she'd tossed and turned before having the most horrific dreams. In them, she was back in the pipeline with Cisco, but not only was Ronnie trapped inside, but Joe with him. It was the voices of the two men she'd loved that came through the radio, it was both their names that she called out in despair. She woke when the fireball from the explosion didn't stay contained within the pipeline but when it came hurtling towards herself and Cisco, so close that she could feel its heat...

She woke, gasping, tears streaming down her face. 

She'd booked the day off but she soon discovered that that didn't count for much, not when every EMT and paramedic that had been on call the previous night had been called in, and some that had been due to work the next day had shown up anyway, worked through the night to rescue people, to help people. "Sorry, Raymond, it's all hands to the pump," her boss had told her when he'd called and she'd almost welcomed the excuse to go in to work, to have something to do rather than sit around her living room and cry over lost memories.  

Almost, because she was exhausted by the midpoint of her shift and a hurried voicemail from Joe had done nothing to calm her. 

"It's me," he said. "I'm at the hospital..." A sigh. "I guess you know why. I'll call when I can." 

She did know why, but he didn't call again that day, or the next or as the days continued but she wasn't particularly worried. She knew that he would when he got a chance and, after all, your foster son lying in hospital in a coma was a pretty good reason for not calling your secret girlfriend. As the days and weeks went by, as Christmas and New Year came and went and January soldiered on, she learned to live with the quick phone calls and text messages, rather than face to face visits. She knew he was spending most of his free time at the hospital, often with Iris by his side, and when he wasn't there, he was pulling a lot of overtime - so was she, so were all of Central City's emergency services in the wake of the explosion. Looting was still widespread and there were areas of the city where power was slow to be restored and lawlessness was quickly becoming a problem in those areas. 

All of which were reasons why she hadn't turned on the news, or much of the television at all, since it happened, preferring to sit in silence, a book on her knee, using the words to chase the thoughts of where Joe might be, what she - the other Caitlin, the younger Caitlin - might be going through. The silence meant that she could hear perfectly any sounds from outside, so when a familiar footstep sounded in the hallway, she looked up. By the time a key scraped the lock, her book was closed on the coffee table, forgotten, and she was on her feet, halfway across the room, when the door opened. 

Joe stood in front of her, looking as tired and haggard as she'd ever seen him. His arms hung limp at his side, his long coat seeming a little too big for him, almost like he'd lost weight in the last few weeks. _Five weeks_ she reminded herself. It was five weeks since the particle accelerator exploded, five long weeks since she'd seen him. He was breathing hard, like he'd run most of the way there and his eyes were wide as he stared at her. Those eyes never left hers as he dropped his keys on the hall table, kicked the door closed behind him. He walked to her as if in a trance and she met him halfway, standing in front of him, for once speechless, at a loss for what to say. 

He stared at her for a long moment, eyes roaming over her face and body. Then he reached out, his skin freezing against her cheeks as he took her face in his hands. "Cait..." It was all he could manage to whisper and she nodded, resting her hands on his chest over his furiously beating heart. 

"I'm here." 

Her whispered words seemed to ignite something in him because the next thing she knew, his lips were on hers and, unlike other kisses they had shared, this one was neither gentle nor soft. This kiss was passionate, needy and he pulled her close against him, his fingers sliding through her hair, down her body, everywhere and anywhere he could reach. Her arms wound around his neck as she kissed him back with equal fervour, all of the pain and loss and heartache of the last few weeks finally finding release and when her back hit the wall as the same time as his hand slipped under the waistband of her pyjama pants, she knew what what he wanted. What she wanted too and her hands moved down between them, fumbled with his belt and zipper and then he was inside her, moving desperately, his eyes locked with hers the whole time. They only closed when he came with a groan, dropping his head into her shoulder and breathing hard. Caitlin turned her head towards him, pressing a kiss to his forehead, running one hand up and down his back while the other cupped the back of his head, ran through his hair. 

When he lifted his head again, his smile was sheepish, almost embarrassed. "I'm sorry." 

Caitlin cocked an eyebrow, gave him her best saucy smile. "I'm not." Her hand moved from the back of his head to his cheek, her thumb tracing a path up and down. "I needed that."  

Which happened to be true - after sixteen years together, they were long past the "I have to have you now" stage of their relationship but after the last few weeks, all the memories, all the hurt and suffering she'd seen, all the nights she'd missed him, wished he was here, she'd needed something to tether her, connect her to reality. 

Joe did that for her. 

He always had. 

His chuckle was a low rumble as his lips brushed across hers, followed by a look of surprise, like he didn't think he should be laughing, like he'd forgotten he could. 

"Not for that," he said. "For why." 

His cheek grew warm under her palm and she took a guess. "You just met me, didn't you?"

This time, his chuckle was a good deal less humorous and it was only partly to do with the fact that he moved away from her. "Let's sit," he suggested but she shook her head at that, kicking her pyjama pants from where they were pooled around her legs. 

"Let's lie."

She didn't have to ask him twice and when they were both naked, bodies entwined in their bed, she asked him again. "So... now we've both had our first meeting with each other."

He gave a low whistle that she guessed had little to do with her physical attributes. "Harrison Wells came to the hospital today," he said quietly. "They were in the middle of one of their damn power outages, there he is sitting beside the bed, reading Barry's chart like he's got a right..." His lips twisted and his fingers flexed against her hip. "Took me a couple of minutes to work out he wasn't there alone." 

And just like that, Caitlin was back in that hospital room, lost in a fog of grief and mourning, there only because Doctor Wells - the man she had thought was Harrison Wells, at least - had begged her to come. "There is someone we can help," he'd told her, sincerity etched in every lying muscle in his face. "Someone we can save." In her haze of grief and pain, those had been the words that had enticed her to leave the apartment she had shared with Ronnie, to get in the car he'd sent for her and meet him at the hospital. 

"I remember," she murmured and he shook his head, a look of amazement on his face. 

"I thought I was seeing things at first. Too much stress, not enough sleep, making me hallucinate you." His fingers found hers, laced them together. "Then he said your name, did the whole introduction thing..."

Caitlin was nodding slowly as the memories - her memories, at any rate - came back to her. "You shook my hand." 

Now, he raised their joined hands to his lips, let them linger there. "Shit, baby, you looked so young." His voice was soft, amazed by what he'd seen. "And I know... I mean, what, sixteen years, I've been waiting to meet you... that you..."

He looked adorably flustered and she couldn't help but giggle - even back in the day, she'd always thought it was precious how completely bamboozled he was by the science they took for granted. "I know what you mean." 

"You looked different," he amended. Reaching up, he ran his hand along her forehead. "No bangs." His hand moved down along her side, came to rest on her hips. "Too skinny." 

Her smile this time was tinged with sadness. "I'd just lost Ronnie," she reminded him quietly. "I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping..." She remembered trying to find something to wear to the hospital that day; most of the dresses she'd tried had been looser than she remembered, she'd finally just grabbed a belt that didn't even match and cinched it at the waist, not caring what she looked like. 

"Ronnie?" He was frowning down at her and she remembered that this Joe hadn't been told about Ronnie, not then at any rate. When had he heard? She'd certainly never told him, he'd just somehow known. Barry must have mentioned it, she decided. In any case, it wouldn't hurt to tell him now. 

"Ronnie was my fiancé," she told him. "He was killed in the explosion." His face showed sympathy and she wanted to tell him everything, about Ronnie not really being dead, about Firestorm and Professor Stein and about the wedding that he'd been a part of. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath until the urge passed, hoping he'd just think that she was trying to block out the memories. She was, just not the ones he thought. "He actually... What he did stopped it from being worse." 

Joe blinked, as if the idea was too horrible to contemplate. Which wasn't too far from the truth, come to think of it. "Well then, he's a hero in my book." 

She smiled, another memory making her duck her head into his chest. "I didn't want him to be a hero," she said quietly, just like she'd said all those years ago. "I wanted him to be my husband." 

Joe's arms tightened around her. "Guess I'm not the only one who's had trouble sleeping?" His hand moved down her spine and she closed her eyes, allowing his touch to chase the bad memories, the bad feelings, away. Joe made a noise deep in the back of his throat as he continued, "Memories of it from two lifetimes... gotta be tough."

She pressed a kiss to his chest. "I never thought about it like that before," she whispered. There was something she had been thinking about though, and she raised her eyes to his. "Joe..." she said hesitantly, "about Barry..."

He silenced her with a kiss, but the action did nothing to quell the turmoil  in her heart, in her stomach. His next words, however, went some of the way to doing that. "We're transferring him to STAR Labs tomorrow," he told her. "The hospital thinks I'm crazy, Iris thinks I'm crazy... hell, maybe I am crazy." He gave her a crooked smile, inclined his head. "But I'm crazy about you, and if you're there... the other you, I mean... then I know he's in good hands." 

Caitlin bit her lip. "You know I can't tell you..."

His chuckle stopped her. "Baby, you answered the most important question when I walked in the door this evening." She frowned, not getting his meaning. His knuckles grazed a path down her cheek and he looked into her eyes as he said, "Cait, you can't lie worth a damn. Sometimes  when a question hasn't even been asked." She still didn't get it and her frown deepened. "Sweetheart, if something had happened to Barry... if he'd died on your watch..." Regardless of his confident tone, a shiver  that he couldn't suppress ran down his spine. "You wouldn't be able to look me in the eye right now. Or ever, come to that." He was right and they both knew it. "I know," he continued, "we've got a long road ahead of us... but you haven't steered me wrong so far."

She laid her head down on his chest, let her hair fall across her face so that she couldn't see him, he couldn't see her. "It's not going to be easy," she whispered. "There are times you're going to wish you'd never heard of STAR Labs..."

Joe's exhale of breath ruffled her hair but he didn't make any moves to tuck it back behind her ear. "Baby, nothing about us has been easy, ever." His hand moved down her back, came to rest on the curve of her hip, squeezed gently. "But I'll tell you what... it's been worth it."

Caitlin closed her eyes and hoped he'd always think that. 


	10. 2015 - April - Who is Harrison Wells?

"You knew." 

They were the first words he'd spoken since she'd arrived home from the late shift to find him sitting on her couch, glass of bourbon in hand, one waiting for her on the table. She hadn't even taken her coat off, just let her purse fall to the floor before crossing to the couch and dropping down beside him. "Yes," she said quietly. "I knew. The moment you said you were going out of town." 

Joe chuckled, but there was no real humour in it. "I knew you would." He rubbed his hand over his chin, moved it up to run over his head before letting it fall on to her knee. "That's why I told you over the phone..." He tilted his head with a knowing, almost teasing, grin, one that was a pale ghost of the one he usually gave her. "I didn't want to see your face when I told you." 

Caitlin's own smile was wry. "All these years," she murmured, more to herself than him. "You'd think my poker face would have improved." 

"I don't give a damn about your poker face." Joe's fingers flexed on her knee, inched a little higher. "I know there are things you can't tell me..." 

"Do you?" Caitlin reached blindly for the bourbon, tried to keep her hand steady, failed completely. Even to her own ears, her voice sounded high, brittle and she hated herself for that. In the last year, since he'd appeared at her door, face ashy after meeting the younger version of her, it felt like she'd been keeping more secrets from him than at any time since she'd met him and she couldn't help but feel guilty about that. A dull ache started behind her eyeballs and she reached up, massaged the bridge of her nose in an effort to chase it away. "I'm sorry," she whispered and she ignored his huff of surprise. "I've been keeping secrets from you our whole relationship, I know that... but this past year..."

"There's been nothing but." Joe's face was sombre, even if his eyes were understanding. 

Caitlin took a sip of her bourbon, rolled it around in her mouth before she swallowed. "I'm afraid..." she told him. "Of so many things..." Memories of STAR Labs danced through her mind, of the fake Wells, of the pain of losing Ronnie, of looking up into the sky and seeing a huge swirling vortex of clouds, Iris's scream when she heard Eddie's gunshot and she shuddered, squeezed her eyes shut in an effort to halt the flow of images. She heard the couch shift as he moved, felt him take her glass from her hands, heard the twin thunks as his and hers both hit the solid wood of the coffee table. Then his arms were around her and he pulled her against her shoulder, meeting scant resistance as she let herself fall against him, trusting him to catch her as he had done so many times over the years. "I'm afraid that every time you find something out, it's going to be the straw that broke that camel's back... that this is the time that you're going to realise there are too many lies..."

"Not gonna happen." He cut across her, his voice full of confidence. She shook her head, using the motion as an excuse to bury her face deeper against his shoulder, breathing in the scent of him, allowing it to centre her, to calm her. 

"How can you be so sure?"

At her question, he pulled back a little, moved his hand under her chin to tilt her head up. "You remember the first night I kissed you?" he asked and she blinked, the question throwing her for a loop. She remembered it though, could never forget. "Escaping a bachelor party, Jack and Amy all but taking my fingerprints, that dive of a nightclub... right before you did a Cinderella on me..." The memory made her blush, made her laugh too. "Cait, I knew then that you were something special... that we could be something special. Nearly eighteen years, nothing's changed my mind yet." 

He lowered his lips to hers and she closed her eyes, lost herself in the familiar touch and feel of him. All track of time was lost until he pulled away, his eyes dark and dilated, his face as serious as she'd ever seen it. "There is nothing that is going to happen that could change how I feel about you," he promised her and she promised herself that she would push away any doubts that might come her way in the future, because he was right - they had too much history between them to let her history, their present, come between them. "I love you, you know that."

She nodded, fought a sudden onset of tears. "I love you too." 

He kissed her again then, more briefly this time and when he pulled back, his jaw was set in a way that she recognised, one that meant he was all business now. "So," he said, after a deep breath. "Starling City."

Caitlin pulled away from him, reached for her glass of bourbon and took a long swallow. "You found Harrison Wells," she confirmed and, off his raised eyebrow, she added, "The real Harrison Wells." She tilted her head curiously, looked over at the clock on the mantelpiece. "You've just come from Barry's lab," she guessed. "You've just shown me and Barry the body."

Joe's lips set into a thin line. "Met the other Wells on my way out," he said and she felt herself grow cold all over, felt her eyes grow wide. "I take it I don't tell you that?"

"We're not that close." Another gulp of bourbon does nothing to calm the unaccountable terror she feels coursing through her veins. "What did he tell you?" She knew it wouldn't have been the first time that Wells had threatened Joe; she still remembered the fear that had been in his eyes when the Reverse Flash had threatened Iris. 

"He knew I'd been in Starling... said something about how he and I had both lost loved ones, how we should get together and have a drink and talk about it..." He reached for his own bourbon, knocking it back like he wanted to wash a bad taste out of his mouth. If the look of disgust that remained on his face was  any indication, it didn't work. 

It didn't work for Caitlin either. She felt very cold all of a sudden, as if someone was dripping ice water down her back. "Do you think it was a threat?"

Joe pursed his lips. "I'm sure it was." He frowned, his hand finding hers, gripping her fingers tightly. "Do you think he knows about you?"

Caitlin shook her head, pictured Wells's time vault, the bank of cameras and images there. She remembered the West house, Eddie's apartment, the police station and Barry's lab. But her own apartment had been nowhere to be seen; all of the cameras had shown locations she recognised. "No," she said slowly. "No, I don't think he can."

"But we need to be careful." His hand tightened on hers so that it was almost painful. "Cait, I don't want anything to happen to you."

It was on the tip of her tongue to point out that they'd done ok with preserving the timeline so far, but before she could, his cell phone rang. "Barry," he said, checking the name on the screen. He made to toss it on the coffee table, but she stilled him with a hand to his wrist. 

"You need to take that," she told him quietly and he got it immediately. 

"Because I already have?" he asked and she nodded.

"He has something to tell you." Her stomach flipped as she remembered all that was about to come. "Go ahead," she told him as the phone threatened to ring out. "I can wait."

He held her gaze for a split second longer, then he took the call. 

Just like she remembered. 

 


	11. 2015 - Enter Zoom

"So I heard a name last week I haven't heard in a long time."

He said it as he was catching her up on Henry Allen's imminent release, said it in a conversational tone, one that she would later realise lulled her into a false sense of security. "Oh?" She glanced over her shoulder at him, giving him her best flirty smile before turning back to pour the second glass of wine. "What name would that be?"

He waited until she put the bottle on the table before he spoke again. 

"Zoom."

Her fingers fell to her sides, suddenly nerveless, and she whipped around to face him. She knew her eyes were wide, knew that her traitorous face couldn't but show the terror she was feeling. And for just a moment, it wasn't Joe standing in front of her, it was Jay's face in Zoom's suit, crackles of blue lightning emanating from his body and there was a buzzing in her ears that was louder than even the noise of the lightning as the room tilted around her...

"Hey, hey..." There was a strong arm around her waist, a warm hand on her face and Joe's voice cut through the buzzing. "Breathe, sweetheart, breathe... that's it... come back to me..." 

Tearing her eyes open, she focused on his face, his eyes, concentrated on her breathing and gradually the buzz in her ears faded, replaced by the almost painful pounding of her heart. She was gripping his arms tightly, like they were the only thing holding her up and when he began to move her towards the couch in her living room, she realised that they were. Her legs were wobbly as a newborn lamb, her body trembling from head to foot. Joe sat beside her on the couch, took her hands in his and rubbed them. "You're freezing," he muttered, looking at her hands rather than her face. His own hand were none too warm, telling Caitlin loud and clear that she wasn't the only one who'd just got a fright. 

"I'm ok," she told him, lifting one hand, letting her fingertips trail along his cheek. When he didn't move, didn't look up at her, she said his name, stroked his cheek again. "Joe, I'm ok." 

"I'm not." It was said with a rueful chuckle, a shake of the head. "I've never seen you look like that." 

Considering all they'd gone through in the last two years, all the bad memories that had been stirred up for her, that was saying something and they both knew it. Caitlin looked down at her hand, wrapped in both of his and concentrated on her breathing, on getting her heart rate under control. "I just wasn't expecting to hear that name," she said carefully. She'd known it was coming of course - after the wormhole, after Eddie, she'd known there wasn't much time left. But she'd managed to push it out of her mind, avoid thinking of it - denial and its twin, compartmentalisation, were powerful weapons and after almost twenty years, she'd become a master at each. "I should have been, but..."

"But you didn't want to." Joe finished the sentence for her and she didn't try to deny it. After almost twenty years, he knew her too well. 

"No," she said slowly, visions of blue lightning dancing through her head. "I didn't." 

"Cait..." His hands tightened in hers. "He's that bad?" 

Even now, it was all to easy to remember the feel of Jay's lips against her skin, the feel of his hands moving across her body. He'd played her as expertly in the bedroom as he'd played her, and everyone else, in STAR Labs, and even years later, when something was annoying her or she was overly stressed out, it was his voice, his touch, that got a starring role in her dreams. A shudder wracked her body and she kept a sob back only with great effort. "Yes," she whispered and whatever Joe saw on her face had him forgoing conversation, pulling her into his arms and holding her tightly. 

"He can't hurt you... You know that, right?" 

"Yes," she whispered as she buried her head in his chest. "I know."

*

Caitlin ran her hands up Joe's back, enjoying how the muscles there rippled underneath her touch. Turning her head to the side, she frowned as she saw moonlight streaming through a gap in the curtains - surely those had been tightly closed when they went to bed? Joe's lips on her neck had her eyes fluttering shut as the same time as his hands moving down her body dragged a moan from her lips. She felt his smile, his chuckle, two things that intensified as he nipped at her neck, sending shivers coursing up and down her spine. Her fingernails raked through the short hair at the back of his head and she pressed herself closer to him, moaning again as she heard him whisper her name. 

"I thought you didn't like being called Cait." 

Her eyes flew open with a gasp, her blood running cold as blue lightning, rather than moonlight, filled the room. A huge black figure loomed above them and Joe raised himself up on his forearms, starting to look over his shoulder, lips forming a question...

A question that would never be asked as a black gloved hand burst through his chest, a terrible groan filling the room as the light left his eyes and Caitlin screamed...

She woke up sitting bolt upright with her heart pounding, tears streaming down her cheeks. Looking around her she realised that she was in her living room, that she'd fallen asleep on the couch, that she had yet another nightmare to add to her collection. Sitting up, she rested her elbows on her knees, wiping her eyes with the back of her hands as she tried to stop herself shaking. 

The sound of a key scraping in the lock made her gasp, had her head turning towards the front door. It opened in a hurry and Joe barely even paused to close it behind him as he hurried over to her. "Are you ok?" he demanded. "I heard a scream-" When he got close to her, his face fell. "Cait..." The word was a whisper as she met him halfway, all but leaping into his embrace as she wrapped her arms around his neck. 

He held her until she felt strong enough to move away from him and even then, he didn't let her go far, just far enough that she could still feel the heat of his body as he cupped her cheeks in his hands. "I knew I shouldn't have stayed away so long..." he muttered and she shook her head. 

"It's ok," she whispered. "You had a lot going on..." Henry Allen's release from jail had been a major thing, dealing with Barry's emotions after Henry had decided to leave town was another. She understood all too well while he hadn't been around for a few days. Indeed, a part of her had almost been grateful because she hated the idea of anyone seeing her like this. 

Then again, as she remembered now, Joe wasn't just anyone. 

"It's not ok." His whisper was just as fierce. "I hate not being able to help you." 

Her hands smoothed over the lapels of his jacket as she gave him a shaky smile. "You're here now." 

"Mmm-hmm." His lips were pressed firmly together, pursed in a frown. "Tell me... when was the last time you slept?" She opened her mouth and he added firmly, "Properly." She chuckled with no humour but didn't otherwise reply and he took that as a reply in its own right. "Yep, that's what I thought." Slinging an arm around her shoulder, he moved towards the bedroom and she moved with him, leaning against him. "Come on," he said. "We're going to sleep." His jacket landed on the chair in the corner of the room, his tie following immediately after. 

"But you need to-" She started to protest, then wondered why she was bothering, because she was only talking herself out of something that she actually really wanted, not to mention needed. 

"Got it covered." He pulled out his phone, talked as he tapped out a text message. "Don't wait up. Long night of paperwork." He shot her a grin as he left the phone on the bedside table. "Now... Where were we?" 

Without another word she stripped off her clothes and pulled out her pyjamas from under the pillow. Briefly she actually considered putting them on but thought better of it, dropping them on the floor instead. A low chuckle from Joe had her smiling too and he was similarly un-attired as he climbed into bed beside her. Pulling her close, he wrapped her in his arms, one hand moving over her hair, the other resting on her hip. 

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, feeling herself relax for the first time in days. "Sleep," he whispered and, for the first time in days, she did. 


	12. 2015 - December

The noise of someone banging on her front door  woke Caitlin instantly from her slumber, had her stumbling across her apartment, pulling on her robe as she went, all before she'd even paused to wipe the sleep from her eyes. The noise paused for a moment then resumed, harder this time, and concern pushed any last vestiges of sleep from her brain. Wrenching open the door, her jaw dropped in shock as she saw Joe standing there, hand poised to knock the door again as if he hadn't even realised that the door was open. 

"Joe?" Ok, she thought, maybe sleep hadn't been entirely banished if all she could say was his name. Then again, she'd never seen him stare at her like that before, glassy eyed, like he couldn't quite believe what he was looking at. 

Something very unpleasant skittered along the back of her neck and shoulders. 

"I called... Your phone was off." If she didn't know better, she'd say he'd been drinking, but this close, she'd be able to smell the alcohol on his breath and there was nothing, so it couldn't be that. 

"I pulled an extra shift last night, I turned it off to get some sleep..." Not that anyone usually called her, which was pretty pathetic, but better safe than sorry. "Why didn't you use your key?" Because he'd had one for years, for just such an occasion - in fact, sometimes her favourite part about coming off night shifts was him arriving at her apartment in the afternoon or early evening just so that he could wake her up. 

"Right, my key..." He spoke like the idea had never even occurred to him. Running a hand over his face, he shook his head and Caitlin reached out and took his other hand in hers, pulling him into the apartment. She did her best not to recoil at his touch - his hand was freezing - but it was a close run thing and when she let go of him so that she could take off his coat, when he hung it up on the coat stand, she could see his hands were shaking. 

And when he turned to her, the look in his eyes broke her heart. 

"What happened?" she whispered, frantically combing through her memories, coming up short. 

"Iris spoke to me today," he told her, tears coming into his eyes. "Did you know? About my son? About Wally?" 

Now it was Caitlin's turn to grow cold all over. 

"Yes," she whispered, knowing she had no choice but to tell him the truth now. 

If she'd thought her heart had broken at the look in his eyes, she was quickly proven wrong, because the sob that tore itself from his throat took those broken pieces and shattered them still further. He turned away from her, wrapped his arms around himself and looked up to the ceiling. Slowly, carefully, without touching him, Caitlin walked around to stand in front of him, biting her lip when she saw the tears rolling down his cheeks. 

"How could I not know?" he asked after a moment. "Why wouldn't she tell me that? Did she think I wouldn't be there for her... for both of them?" He sucked in a shuddering breath, let it out slowly. "What it must have been like for them..." 

Somehow, it didn't surprise Caitlin that his first thoughts weren't anger with Francine, or with Caitlin herself for keeping secrets. For a man like Joe who had made his living helping people, who thought nothing of taking people into his home when they had nowhere else to go, the notion that his own wife, his own son, had been beyond his help must have been hard to bear. 

"When she came back..." he said after a moment, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, "she said she was dying. Iris didn't believe her... I didn't think she'd lie about something like that. Do you-"

Caitlin could count on the fingers of one hand the times he'd asked her a question like that. This time, she figured she was safe enough answering it - she was fairly sure a phone call, at the very least, to Francine was in Joe's future, and the truth would be confirmed then anyway. "It's true," she told him. "She wanted to make peace with you and Iris before she died... and I think she wanted you to know about Wally too." 

Joe's shoulders slumped under the weight of the news and he sank down onto the couch, rested his elbows on his knees and let his head fall into his hands. Caitlin made no moves to sit beside him, just stood and watched him and wrung her hands and waited for him to look at her. 

When he did, his eyes were dry, his tone regretful. "It's funny..." he said, though it didn't feel like it was funny at all. "I look back on being married to her... and it's like another person. Another life." He shrugged. "We didn't plan on getting married, but we were young and we were stupid and... we got caught." Another shrug and she sat down beside him, leaving a good tract of space between them. "You won't remember, you can't, but back then, in 1988, 1989, if you had parents like mine and you found yourself in that position, you got yourselves married before she started to show and you made the best of it. So that's what we did. And we were happy, we did love one another... but Francine... Francine was not ready to be someone's wife. And definitely not someone's mother." 

He shook his head. "I didn't know about the drugs... not until she OD'ed the first time. Then it was rehab after rehab... times where I thought it would take, until the next time... and then... I got that call from dispatch." He shuddered as he closed his eyes. "For years, I thought she was dead, or she would have called us. Got into touch somehow. God, Cait, I wanted to believe that so badly. Then when she came back... I was so angry with her... because it was another secret I was keeping from Iris, another reason for her to hate me... I never thought of a baby. I never thought she would keep something like that from me." 

Caitlin took a deep breath and reached out to lay her hand over his knee. He didn't shrug it off and she took that as a good sign. "Have you spoken to Francine?" she asked but she guessed the answer before he shook his head. 

"I came straight here," he told her and on hearing that she acted completely on instinct, moved closer to him and slid one arm around his shoulders. 

Resting her cheek against his arm, she said quietly, "You should call her. You know you won't have a moment's peace until you do." 

She felt, rather than saw, him nod. "I know." Her hand was still on his knee, now his closed over it. "Can you stick around?" 

Like there was a chance she was going to be somewhere else. "I'll make some coffee," she told him, kissing him on the cheek but not moving until she saw him pressing the buttons on his phone, until she heard his first words. 

"Francine? It's me." 

She pottered around the kitchen for as long as she could, lingered over making the perfect cup of coffee. When she came back out, he was still on the phone, talking quietly with his head resting in one hand. She laid his coffee down on the table, sat down in the armchair across from him, curling her legs up underneath her as she sipped her own drink. 

Only when he finished the conversation did she move to sit beside him again, to put her arm around his shoulders and her hand on his knee. His breath ruffled her hair as he kissed the top of her head. 

"It's true," he told her quietly, as if there was a doubt. "She told me she didn't tell me because she was scared... because when she got clean, Wally was all she had... She thought I would use her addiction to take him away from her." 

Caitlin bristled on his behalf because she knew the opposite was true, that Joe would have been far more likely to welcome Francine back with open arms, to reunite his family and raise his son as his own. 

"I guess I can understand that," he continued, proving once again that he was a more forgiving person than she was. "It's just... I have a son. Twenty years old and I never knew ... Cait, how could I not have known? I should have felt it, here..." He gestured to his chest, to his heart and she shook her head sadly. 

"You know that's not how it works, Joe," she said gently. "There's nothing you could have done differently... You tried your best to find her, you know you did." 

His lips were a thin line. "Did I? A part of me always wondered if I could have done more. If I could have kept trying. I'm a cop, I could've..." He stopped, ran a hand over his face. "I could have tried harder. Kept looking. But it was easier to pretend she was dead... to believe that, to let Iris believe that. To move on." His hand closed over hers, threading their fingers together and he lifted them up, studying them closely. "I'd pretty much given up on love... then I met you." 

His eyes moved to her face and he did not  blink. "I loved Francine, no question... but the minute I met you... and then later, that club... It was different. More. And even after everything... I'd do everything the same if I got a chance. Does that make me a bad person?" 

If it did, she was one too. She'd had a lot of time to think about this over the years and she knew without a doubt that even if Cisco could magically figure out a way to bring her back to 2016 exactly where she left it, she wouldn't do it. She didn't have to think for a second about her answer. "No," she whispered, leaning in and laying her head against his shoulder. 

He leaned back, settling them both comfortably against the couch cushions. "I used to dream about having a son," he said quietly. Then, after a pause, "With you." Her heart skipped a beat as his fingers left her hand, tracing gentle circles over her stomach. "I used to imagine what it'd be like... feeling him kick, picking out names, Iris getting all excited..." His hand stilled over her navel and she knew that he was imagining it now too. "Did you ever-?"

She didn't wait for him to finish, her hand closing over his as it had so many times in her idle daydreams. "All the time." 

His chest shuddered and she glanced up, realised there were tears once again in his eyes. "I love you," he whispered and she smiled as she touched his cheek, wiped away his tears like he'd done for her so many times. 

"I love you too." 


	13. 2016 - Day One Redux

"You're here." 

Joe's voice was a ragged whisper as he stared at her, his eyes roaming over every inch of her body. "You're still here... I was afraid..." 

Of what, she didn't know, would never get to find out,  because a sob tore itself from Caitlin's throat, a sob of pain and fear too long denied all day. Fresh tears joined the tracks already on her face and she covered her mouth with her hands in an effort to keep them back. Joe's eyes went wide, horrified, and he did what she knew he would because the one thing that had been constant in the last nineteen years was that he absolutely could not stand to see her cry. He walked right up to her and pulled her into his arms, let her bury her face in his neck as she wrapped her arms around his waist. He held her tightly, like he never wanted to let her go, like he was afraid she was just going to disappear. 

Or maybe that was how she was holding him. 

Eventually her sobs subsided and she looked up at him. Cupping her face in his hands, he wiped her tears away, asked her a question that he already knew the answer to. 

"This is it?"

All she could do was nod and he didn't say anything else, just pulled her to him again, like he needed the comfort as much as she did. 

"It's going to be ok," he whispered eventually and she lifted her head, looked up at him, hoping he was right, afraid that he wasn't. 

"Is it?" she whispered, lifting her head. "All these years, Joe... all the secrets, all the sneaking around..." He loosened his arms from around her and she stepped out of their circle, missing their warmth at once. She pushed her hair back from her face, noticing as she did that her hands were trembling violently. "And here we are, right back where we started." 

"No." His voice was strong and sure, as sure as the hand that closed over hers. "Not really." 

Catching sight of herself in the mirror, she had to agree with that. While the years had been kind to her, and to him, it was still twenty years since they'd first met. She was no longer quite as slender as she'd once been - "too skinny," he'd once told her as he'd run his hands over her body, his own body's reaction indicating that he had no problem with her current form. Her hair was a little brighter, a little warmer than it had been back then, her hairdresser's suggestion to help cover the grey that had begun to sneak in, though she still wore it long - she'd had it cut up to her shoulders once and only once, hadn't liked it but Joe, who preferred her hair long, still looked nervous any time she mentioned getting it trimmed. 

But if her appearance had altered, she knew enough to know that that was the least of the changes, that the biggest of all had to do with the man who was standing beside her, the man who was holding her in his arms. For the last nineteen years, they'd been lovers; for the last eighteen, he'd kept her secret, helped her do the same. For all they rarely spent nights together, for all their time together consisted of whatever snatched moments they could get, they were a team. 

But they were a team of two, and Team Flash had far more members than that. 

"I haven't seen them in twenty years, Joe," she told him quietly. "And I have missed them. Every day." She swallowed hard, moved to the couch and sat down, her knees too shaky to hold her up any more. "But when they see me... For them, it'll only be hours." A thought occurred to her. "How did you find out?"

Joe rubbed his hand over his jaw. "Barry called me," he said. "A couple hours ago. He told me you and him and Cisco were in some corridor in STAR Labs you never usually went near when all of a sudden there was some kind of..." He pursed his lips, rotated his hands at the wrists and waggled his fingers. "Disturbance." Caitlin closed her eyes, the visual coming easily to her. "It pulled you in... Vanished as suddenly as it appeared." 

The world went a little blurry around the edges and there was a faint buzzing in Caitlin's ears. She drew in a shuddering breath, put her head between her knees until it passed. She was dimly aware of Joe's fingers on the back of her neck, massaging gently. When she looked up at him again, his face was serious, his eyes concerned. "Just like I remember it." 

"I wanted to come over here, but I went there first, see what was up. Cisco is scanning with every machine he's got, he's even got Harry and Jesse in on the act... Iris is there too, Barry called her, she says they're both like men possessed... They're not going to rest until they find you." 

Caitlin pressed her lips together, hating the worry they were going through. "But they won't." She ran her hands over her face and sighed. "I don't even know how to explain this to them." 

Joe's arm moved around to squeeze her shoulder. "We just tell them what happened, the rest'll take care of itself." 

"You sound so sure." She envied him that. Of course, he'd been in STAR Labs almost every day for the last three years, he knew them all well. Caitlin was viewing them through the prism of twenty year old memories, twenty years of fearful waiting for this day.  

"That's because I know how much they all love Caitlin Snow." His fingers flexed on her shoulder, his other hand cupping her cheek. Tears flooded her eyes at the mention of the name she hadn't gone by in so long and his thumb swept up, catching the first before it could fall. "But let me tell you... Cait Raymond's something pretty special herself. And they're gonna love her just as much. Just like I do." 

*

She wanted to go to STAR Labs that night, but by the time she and Joe finished talking, it was well past midnight and they were both exhausted. Still, she'd been willing to push through the tiredness; it had been Joe who'd quietly vetoed the idea. "You're tired," he told her. "And if I know you, you've been sitting on that couch all day, working yourself into a frenzy." She couldn't deny it, just looked down with a small smile at how well he knew her. "Let's get some rest," he said. "We'll go in the morning." 

Caitlin bit her lip. "Will they be-"

"Oh they'll be there." Joe made it sound like he had no doubts. Barry and Cisco, there'll be no moving them until they see you again." 

She considered it for a moment, even stood up ready to get her car keys and go that very moment. But the second her feet hit the ground, the room seemed to shimmer and she swayed on her feet. Joe's arms were around her in an instant. "You even eat today?" he demanded and when she shook her head, he gave her an exasperated look, blew air out between his lips. "What am I gonna do with you?" 

She tilted her head, gave her best flirty look. "Love me?" she suggested and he actually laughed. 

"Sweetheart, that ain't been a problem for nearly twenty years." He brushed her hair back behind her ears, leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "C'mon. Bed."

She might have expected something else but she was half asleep the second her head hit the pillow and when he crawled in beside her - his spending the night with her a rare enough occurrence to be notable, even if she was half asleep - the feel of his chest at her back, his arm around her waist, was the last thing she registered before she dropped off completely. 

When she woke up again, it was morning and Joe was still at her back, his fingers tracing circles around her belly button, his lips whispering gentle kisses along her shoulder and back. She shivered at the sensation, pressed her body back against him and shivered again. She felt his lips curving into a smile and decided that she wanted to see it for herself so she turned in his arms, lay on her back and looked up at him, lifting one hand to lay her hand against his cheek, run her thumb over his lips. 

Something must have shown in her face because his hands stilled on her hips. "I'm here," he told her simply. "And I'm not going anywhere." 

And all she could was nod because it struck her suddenly, forcefully, that this was the last morning of the life she'd had for twenty years now. Oh, she knew Joe would still be there, had no doubt of that. But after today, Barry and Iris and Cisco will all know of her existence, of their relationship. And while it might be all she'd ever wanted, the enormity of it was just starting to hit her. 

They'd lived for so long in secrecy - what might the truth do to them? 

"Hey." Too late she remembered that her every emotion showed on her face. "It's gonna be fine, Cait. Maybe not today, maybe not right away... but it will be." 

This time, she didn't nod. She did move her hand to the back of his head, pull him down so that their lips met, kissed him like it was going to be the last time. He kissed her back the same way, lowered himself on top of her and rolled his hips against hers. He made love to her slowly, carefully, his eyes locked with hers, their fingers laced together and it didn't feel like an ending any more. 

It felt like a whole new beginning. 

When they'd come down from their high, he ordered her to the shower, insisting on making her breakfast even when she said she wasn't hungry. The feast of French toast and bacon he whipped up changed her mind and with that eaten, chased down by a strong cup of coffee, she was almost ready to go. 

Just one question. 

"How do I look?" 

She felt ridiculous asking - vain and superficial and shallow. But while these people had seen her only yesterday, she hadn't seen them in twenty years and damn it, if she wasn't allowed to be vain in those circumstances, then when would she be? She was wearing her favourite dress, a form fitting number coming to just below the knee in a shade of green that she knew Joe loved. She'd pulled her hair into a low bun, taken extra care with her make up and her heels made her almost tall enough to see eye to eye with Joe. She knew she looked good - but she still asked. 

His smile when he answered was as warm as his hand in hers. "Gorgeous as always," he said and with a squeeze of his hand and a nod of her head, they left. 

Driving into STAR Labs past the chain link fences and the keep out signs was enough to make Caitlin's stomach churn. Walking through the halls was probably one of the most surreal moments of her life, beaten only by the last time she'd been here, back when it was a vacant lot and she was staring up at a very familiar face. But the first time that tears came into her eyes was when they were approaching the cortex, when voices began to travel down the hall. 

"Cisco, you haven't slept in over twenty four hours." That was Iris's voice, calm and reasonable. "You need to take a break."

"I'll take a break when Caitlin's home." Cisco's voice was brittle, distracted, the kind he got when he was tinkering with something and didn't want to talk, or didn't want to hear what the other person had to say. 

"Iris is right, man." Barry sounded tired, worn out. "We don't have to go home, we can crash here... Harry will call us if anything happens, right?"

That was said with an almost beseeching tone and the next voice came without hesitation. "Of course. They're right, Ramon... you can't find Snow if you make yourself ill."

"I'm not going to make myself ill." The words were being forced out through clenched teeth and when Caitlin glanced at Joe, his eyes were somber, his face serious. He nodded once and as Cisco continued, "But I'm here until I find her, or at least vibe on her..." Caitlin took a deep breath.

And walked into her past.

"You're not going to find me, Cisco." Her voice sounded like it came from very far away and she tried not to notice how everyone in the cortex stopped what they were doing, how their eyes and mouths opened wide with disbelief, how dropped jaws and dropped equipment were both deafening in the ensuing silence. "Because you already didn't." 

"Caitlin?" It wasn't a huge surprise to her that Cisco recovered his voice first. "Is that... you?"

"It's me." Her voice broke a little and she steeled herself. There was too much to explain, too much time lost, to give in to tears now. That would come later. 

Barry took a faltering step closer to her. "What... what happened to you?" His eyes slid over her shoulder and she knew without turning to check that he was looking at Joe, wordlessly asking him what his part in all this was. 

Caitlin sucked in a deep breath. "I was here... With you... And you." She pointed at Cisco. "We were checking out some funny readings you'd seen... we were worried someone was trying to open a new breach."

"A wormhole opened, swallowed you up." That was Barry, still sounding shellshocked. "That was yesterday... how..."

"Because when I woke up? I was still here." Caitlin spread her arms out. "Except it wasn't 2016 any more... It was 1996." 

"No." Cisco had his arms crossed over his chest, his jaw set resolutely. "No. No way. I would have known. I would have vibed you..."

"Perhaps not, Mr Ramon." Harry stroked his chin, stared at Caitlin like she was a particularly interesting puzzle he wanted to solve. For just a moment, he reminded Caitlin of the fake Wells, the man who had fooled her for so long and she only barely repressed a shudder. "With two Snows, it's entirely possible that you would only see the one you were in close proximity-"

"Not. Helping. Harry." Cisco ground the words out, one fist now pressed against his chin and if looks could kill, the one he shot Harry would have done the job and then some. 

"Cisco, it's ok." Caitlin moved towards him and her heart sank when he took a giant step back. "I mean it... I mean, I missed you... All of you..." A lump rose in her throat and she had to force the words past it. "And it hasn't been easy... but I have a good life." It was important for her that they know that, that they believe it because, for all the heartache, it was the truth. 

"Dad?" Iris was staring at Joe like she'd never seen him before. "You knew about this?" 

If Caitlin's entrance had dropped a bomb in the middle of the cortex, Iris's question was a mini explosion all of its own as all eyes, Caitlin's included, turned to Joe. "I was still a beat cop," he told them. "Me and my partner, we responded to reports of a disturbance here..." Caitlin stared at him because in all the years she'd known him, she'd never thought to ask what had brought him there that day, aside from the universe's sick sense of humour. "Bright lights in the sky, we figured it was either a prank call or someone setting off fireworks. The place looked..." His eyes wandered around the cortex, the machines, the screens and he rubbed his chin. "It was a lot different, let's put it that way. We split up, checked the buildings... and around the side of one of them..." His voice trailed off and he looked at Caitlin, waved his hand in illustration. 

"That was twenty years ago." Iris's eyes were narrowed, a dangerous tone in her voice and Caitlin felt a shiver go up her spine. 

Joe, on the other hand, was perfectly calm. "Yes it was." 

"So you've known... about time travel..." Barry rolled the words around on his tongue, "for twenty years." 

The edges of Joe's lips turned up in a smile. "Not quite that long."

"But to tell anyone what you knew, Detective..." Harry stepped forward, eyed Joe with what looked like admiration. "That would seriously affect the timeline." 

Joe's smile turned wry as he met Caitlin's eyes. "So I've been told." He didn't say, "many times," but then, he didn't have to. Caitlin heard it anyway. 

Wry as it was, the smile, the look in his eyes, was still warm enough to make Caitlin blush. Pulling her mind away from his gaze, she continued, "By the time I told Joe the truth, I knew all we could do was try to keep the timeline as intact as possible. And from what he's told me..." She shrugged, looked at all her friends, none of whom looked any different than the last time she'd seen them. "I think it turned out OK."

"Except for you." Cisco's voice was hollow, his eyes equally so. "Twenty years... on your own... None of us to help you?"

"No, Cisco." Caitlin shook her head, answering Cisco, but her eyes were on Joe. "Not on my own." She looked around her then, at each of them in turn. "But it's so good to see you all again." 

No-one said anything. 

No-one moved. 

Except Joe. 

Sliding his hand into Caitlin's, he said, "Look, Cait, why don't we give them some time to let this sink in? We can come back later..." 

The last thing Caitlin wanted to do was to come back later, to leave after so little time there. She had a feeling, though, that a little time to think away exactly what was needed so she just nodded and let Joe lead her out of the cortex and down the hall. 

She lasted until the elevator doors closed behind them before the tears began to fall. 

*

She expected Joe to take her straight home, was so lost in her own emotions that she didn't even realise he was going somewhere completely different until he put the car in park and they were still outside, rather than in the underground garage of her apartment building. "Where are we?" she asked, looking around her and then at him. 

He didn't answer her at first, just shrugged then reached across and opened the glove box, pulling out a small packet of tissues. He held it up to her wordlessly and she accepted it gratefully, pulling the rear view mirror towards her and doing her best to repair the damage that her tears had done to her thankfully minimal eye makeup. That much done - not that there was much to be done, and she'd rarely been so grateful for waterproof mascara - she blew her nose, stuffed the tissue into her purse and replaced the rest of the packet back into the glove box, making a note to ask him later exactly why he had them in there. 

Then she returned to her question. "Where are we?" 

A smile played around Joe's lips. "You don't recognise it?" 

Caitlin frowned because from the tone of his voice, she apparently should. Looking out the window she looked left and right, and as she did the years and all the changes that the city council had made faded from her sight and she saw the place not as it was now, but as it had been almost nineteen years ago, when she came here every week. 

"Simpson Park." Her voice was quiet. "I haven't been here in..." Her throat closed up again and his hand was warm over hers. 

"You haven't been here since the day your father died." His voice was kind, understanding and it almost made her weep again because she'd never told him the reason that she'd stopped visiting the park on Sunday mornings, had never even told him that she'd stopped. She sucked in a deep breath, let herself concentrate on his eyes, his lips as he formed the words, "I thought we might take a walk together... hand in hand, enjoy the sunshine." His fingers tightened on hers. "What do you say?" 

Caitlin felt a smile tug at the corners of her lips. "I'd like that." 

It was a beautiful summer's day, the sun high in a bright blue sky, with a slight breeze blowing that prevented it from being too hot. The park was full of kids on holidays from school, running around on the grass, playing ball, and the noise from the playground travelled clearly from the distance. There were people feeding the ducks too and Caitlin leaned a little into Joe as they wandered in that direction. To her momentary surprise, he dropped her hand but then his arm was around her shoulders and he was pulling her closer, all without either of them missing a step. The easy move made her chuckle as she slipped her arm around his waist.  "I'd forgotten how nice it was here," she murmured, turning her face up to the sky. 

"Yeah. Beautiful." But when she looked at him, he wasn't looking at the park. 

He was looking at her. 

Heat spread across her cheeks and her hand swatted at his chest. "Smooth." 

"I thought so." He sounded immensely pleased with himself. There was a bench at the edge of the duck pond that hadn't been there the last time she was here and he walked them over to it, sat down on it and almost pulled her down into his lap. His arm stayed around her shoulders the entire time and she snuggled into his embrace, closing her eyes in pure contentment. 

"We should do this more often." 

She heard herself say the words but it was his response that made her open her eyes and lift her head. 

"We can." She stared at him because, strange as it might seem, that notion hadn't occurred to her until just that minute. "We don't need to worry about people seeing us together... about word getting back to people we know. We can just be like any other couple... Sitting on a park bench in the middle of the day, watching the world go by."

Caitlin's hand came to her lips. "I never..." Words failed her for a moment and she laughed a breathless laugh. "I think I've spent so long thinking about seeing them all again... telling them what happened... I never thought about what comes after." 

Joe's smile was slow, the kind of smile that she usually only saw in the privacy of her apartment. "I have some ideas," he said, leaning down towards her. "How about I show you?" 

His lips met hers and they let the rest of the world go on around them for a while. 

*

"So, dinner... call it. Chinese or pizza?" 

Joe was standing in Caitlin's living room, cell phone in his hand, staring at her when she turned around. There was a rather appreciative look in his eyes, she thought, and after all these years, it still made her smile, made her heart quicken a little in her chest. "Chinese," she answered promptly, turning back around and continuing into the bedroom, putting an extra sway into her hips as she did so. She heard a little chuckle as she moved and it made her grin. The grin changed to a wince as she sat down on the bed, pulled off her shoes and rubbed her toes for a moment - long gone, she thought, were the days where she could run around STAR Labs in heels and not give it a second thought. Of course, Joe happened to be quite excellent at giving foot rubs and since the food would be a while...

That idea gave her the shot of energy she needed to stand back up, make her way back to the living room where Joe was just finishing the order - he hadn't had to ask what she wanted, knew her favourite order from way back and, on a day like today, only her favourite would do. "Done," he said, throwing his phone on the coffee table. "It'll be about half an hour." As he spoke, he was unbuttoning his shirt cuffs and rolling his sleeves up to his elbows; his jacket had gone while she'd been closing the front door, his tie must have been pulled off at the same time as he was ordering dinner. He studied her as she walked over to him and this time his gaze was as much evaluative as it was appreciative. "You look done in." 

"Pretty much." She sank down onto the couch, broke her own rule about feet on the coffee table. Wiggling her toes, she looked up at him and all but batted her eyelashes. "Don't suppose you'd care to rub my feet?" 

Joe rolled his eyes but he dropped down beside her, pulling her legs onto his knees. "C'mere." 

His fingers moved over her skin, finding and soothing all the sore spots and Caitlin closed her eyes, let her head fall back against the cushions. She felt all the tension of the day seeping out of her body, felt herself becoming weightless as tiredness set in...

A knock on the door brought her back to reality. Joe's hands stilled on her feet and he was frowning as he looked across the room. "Did I fall asleep?" she asked but she didn't need him to shake his head to know she hadn't. Callers were a rarity to her door and while this apartment wasn't in the bad neighbourhood her first apartment had been in, the way his hand fell to his hip as he stood, reaching for the gun currently locked in her hall table, told her all she needed to know. 

Frowning herself, she made her way to the door, unlocking it and pulling it open, freezing for a second when she saw who was there. 

"Iris." 

It was Joe who spoke first and Iris gave him a tight looking smile as she gripped the strap of her purse with both hands. "I wasn't sure if I had the right place," she said, looking around her and Caitlin glanced back at Joe, saw him looking down at her, a frown on his face. 

"Come in," Caitlin heard herself say, stepping back, at the same time as Joe asked, "How did you know to come here?" 

At that, Iris's smile grew wider, more genuine. "After you guys left, and Barry hauled Cisco away to get good and drunk, I realised I had some questions. You weren't answering your phone-" That was directed at Joe, who, with a quick glance at the phone he'd not so long since thrown on the table, at least had the grace to look guilty. "So I did what I do best."

Joe's lips twitched. "You snooped." 

It was said with fondness, but it was Caitlin who narrowed her eyes at him. "She investigated," she said pointedly. Joe held his hands up in mock surrender and Iris grinned at Caitlin. 

"Obviously, you're not going by Caitlin Snow... I heard Dad call you Cait back at the lab, and as for your surname..." She shifted on her feet, looked down. "I just had to think what I'd call myself if I were in your shoes. It wasn't hard to work it out then." She shrugged and looked up, a sad smile playing around her features. "And here I am." 

Caitlin looked at Joe. "This is why I've been telling you for nearly twenty years how smart and capable she is." 

Iris looked surprised and Joe rolled his eyes. "Yes, you have," he said, that same fond tone still in his voice. 

Iris looked between them, crossing her arms over her chest. "I guess this answers one of my questions." Off their questioning looks, she continued, waving her finger between them, "You two... you're involved?" 

Caitlin pressed her lips together, drawing in a sharp breath and meeting Joe's equally surprised gaze. Although why either of them were surprised that Iris had cut straight to the chase, she couldn't say. Iris had always been inquisitive and that was before Joe had hidden the truth about Barry from her for almost a year. He lifted one eyebrow in question ("You or me?") and she tilted one head in answer, letting him know loud and clear that, since Iris was his daughter, he was taking point on this one. 

Before he spoke, he took a step closer to Caitlin, stood beside her and took her hand in his, lacing their fingers together. "Yes," he said simply. "We are involved." 

It seemed like a poor word to explain all they'd been to each other but Iris still let out a breath that sounded like she'd been punched in the stomach. Shaking her head, she dropped down onto an armchair like her legs couldn't hold her up any more. "For how long?" 

Joe sat down equally heavily on the couch, his hand never leaving Caitlin's. Sitting down beside him, she squeezed his fingers tightly. "We need to go back to the start," he began. "You know how David and I found her where STAR Labs is now. I thought she'd been beaten up, tossed there... and when I told her what year it was, she fainted." Caitlin's cheeks flushed at the memory but Iris merely nodded. 

"Understandable," she said. "Especially given this afternoon's revelations..."

Caitlin shot Joe an "I told you so" look and he inclined his head in acknowledgment. "We called an ambulance, sent her to the hospital, a Jane Doe, and that should have been that. Except I couldn't get her out of my head." Caitlin knew it was because of the things that she'd said at the time but Joe glossed over those details, perhaps sensing, as Caitlin did, that Iris didn't really want, or need, to hear them. "So after my shift ended, I went back to the hospital, to see how she was." His lips curled into a smile and he squeezed Caitlin's hand. "Imagine my surprise when I saw her trying to sneak out." 

Caitlin's cheeks were warm again and she ducked her head. "It took about thirty seconds to figure out she had nowhere to go... so she came home with me." 

He made it sound so simple. Iris frowned, her eyes narrowed in confusion. "Wait, where was I? Because I would have remembered you bringing someone home..."

"It was the summer Grandma and Grandpa took you to Florida to see Aunt Judith, remember?" 

"And I was just there for one night," Caitlin interjected.  "Joe got me a place in a women's shelter and brought me there the next day... we didn't see one another again for nearly a year." 

"A year?" Iris was still frowning, looking from one to the other. "Who contacted who?" 

Joe rubbed his chin. "Actually it was a coincidence. I was at the scene of a car wreck, keeping a little girl calm while we wait for the EMTs... next thing I know, I look up and there's Cait."

Iris's eyes went wide. "You're an EMT?" 

Caitlin nodded. "Paramedic now." She shrugged.  "I wanted to do something to help people... and that way I could still use some of my med school training." 

"We talked, later. Left it at that." Joe took back up the tale. "Met her again, completely by accident, a couple weeks later. That time..." He only had eyes for Caitlin, a slow smile spreading across his face. It was the kind of smile Caitlin had seen on any number of occasions, the kind of smile that usually led somewhere and even now, in Iris's company, it caused goosebumps to break out on her skin. "That time, it ended differently." 

"And we are heading dangerously into too much information territory." Iris held up her hands as if to ward off any further comments. She did it with a laugh though, a smile on her face that gave Caitlin heart. "When did you tell him the truth?" 

After all these years, the memory of Amy still caused Caitlin's heart to ache and she swallowed hard as she stared across the room at a photograph of her, Amy and Joe, together and laughing on some random night out somewhere. "A year later," was all she said, it now being her turn to leave out some details. "I couldn't hide it anymore... Even knowing what it could do." 

Iris blinked, eyes darting backwards and forwards and Caitlin could almost see the numbers crunching in her head. "So that means you two have been together for..."

Joe spared her the trouble. "Eighteen years." 

Iris's jaw dropped and she stared at them for what seemed like a very long time. "So... all those nights you went out on first and second dates that never went anywhere..."

"Cait." Joe confirmed her theory, kept his eyes on her and didn't blink. "Every one."

Iris covered her mouth, hands joined as if in prayer and looked up to the ceiling. "I can't believe this."

"Baby, I know, I promised you already I was done with keeping things from you." Joe leaned forward, dropping Caitlin's hand as he did so. His other hand reached out as if to touch Iris but he dropped it in mid air, letting it fall to rest on his knee. "But you've got to understand why we did what we did."

"Oh, I do. Believe me, I do." Iris chuckled with no real humour. "It's just... I've spent the last two years with Caitlin as my friend. And now, all of a sudden, this... you never gave any indication... even looking at Caitlin..."

"Baby, you've got to remember, by the time I met Caitlin Snow? I'd been in love with Cait Raymond for over fifteen years. That's nearly a lifetime of memories and experiences that Caitlin didn't have..." He shook his head as he tried to articulate to Iris what he'd already told Caitlin on more than one occasion. "Trust me, I had no trouble differentiating them... they're two completely different people." 

Iris didn't look like she  believed him and Caitlin moved her hand, laid it on Joe's knee. "Why don't you go into the kitchen, there's some wine on the counter... three glasses."

Joe looked like he was going to protest but Caitlin narrowed her eyes a little and he got the message, standing up quickly and moving off without another word. Caitlin watched him go and when she turned back to Iris, the other woman looked almost impressed. "I'm gonna want to ask you how you did that."

"It doesn't always work." They shared an understanding smile and suddenly twenty years fell away in an instant. "He hated lying to you... to everyone." She sucked in a deep breath, thinking of all the times they'd feared discovery, one careless word, one wrong move, the wrong person seeing them. "But we had no choice." 

"I'm sure Barry is compiling a list of time travel movies for me to see to help me understand that." Iris's voice was dry but her eyes were kind. 

"I know it's a lot to take in... I've had eighteen years to plan this conversation..."

Iris raised an eyebrow. "How's that working out for you?"

"Not very well." Caitlin could only laugh and, thankfully, Iris joined her. "I just... I keep thinking of a conversation we had in STAR Labs... just after Jay was killed, before we knew who he really was. I was so heartbroken and you were just beginning to look at Barry in a whole new way... do you remember?"

Iris dropped her head into her hands, rubbed her temples. "We had that conversation, like, two months ago," she groaned. "I hate time travel."

Knowing she couldn't disagree, Caitlin glanced over her shoulder, back towards the kitchen. As she guessed she would, she saw Joe standing just out of sight of Iris, wine glasses in one hand, bottle in the other, listening to every word. Knowing he wouldn't come back in until he felt they were ready, she turned back and continued, "You asked me if I believed in destiny. And I said..."

"Maybe for you." There was a sad smile on Iris's face as she echoed Caitlin's words. 

"Turns out... There was someone I had a destiny with," Caitlin told her. "He was just twenty years in my past." Tears stung her eyes as she spoke and she battled with everything she had to keep them back. Of course, it looked like Iris was similarly afflicted and Caitlin could only hope that that was a good thing. "I love him, Iris... and I can't imagine my life without him."

Iris's hand closed over hers, warm and strong. "Well," she whispered, a smile dancing around the edges of her lips, "I don't think you'll have to." 

Caitlin found herself crying and laughing all at the same time, Iris too, and Joe picked that moment to come back in, put the three glasses down on the coffee table and start to pour the wine without a word. He'd no sooner handed a glass to Iris than there was another knock at the door and, this time at least, there was no question as to who it was. "Food's here," Joe said and when Caitlin made to get up, he held out a hand. "I got it." He turned his gaze to Iris, who was likewise beginning to stand. 

"I don't want to-" she began and Joe didn't let her finish. 

"You can stay," he told her. "There's plenty." 

Iris glanced over at Caitlin as if looking for permission and Caitlin nodded quickly. While she had no idea of the specifics of the order, she was sure there was plenty - over the years it had become their habit to order extra, with the specific aim of having leftovers for the refrigerator, saving Caitlin the trouble of having to cook after a shift that was long or late or both. 

Despite Joe telling her to stay where she was, Caitlin stood, heading into the kitchen and putting some plates out on the table. By the time she'd done that, Joe was already setting out the cartons and when they were finished, he called Iris's name. When no answer was forthcoming, they looked at one another, Caitlin's stomach beginning to twist uncomfortably and she knew Joe well enough to know from the look on his face that he was feeling a similar tug. 

When they went back into the living room, Caitlin's worst fears weren't realised - Iris was still there. She was standing in front of the sideboard, looking at the photographs Caitlin had there. Not that there were many - it had always been easier to keep friendships at a minimum, for fear of the Butterfly Effect - but there was a particular picture Iris was looking at, and Caitlin knew it well because it was one of her favourites. 

Taken at Jack's wedding, it was a candid shot of her and Joe taken at the start of the reception. Joe's arms were around her waist while both of her hands were on his chest. They were both smiling at the camera, wide genuine smiles and when Jack had given her the photograph, he'd joked that they looked like they were the ones who should be getting married. 

"You look so young," Iris murmured when she saw them looking at her. "You both do." 

"2001," Joe told her, surprising both Iris and Caitlin. "You and Barry were both at camp." Off Caitlin's surprised look, he dropped his voice. "It's one of my favourites too." 

Iris put down the picture, turning to them, a question in her eyes. "I just..." She paused, turned back to the photographs and let her eyes run over them. "It's just the two of you, right? Living here?" 

It took a moment for Caitlin to understand what she was asking and when she did, it was easier than it used to be to smile and shake her head, even if it was a sad smile. She'd long since made peace with that particular possibility, but that didn't mean that she still didn't wonder about what it might have been like to have children, Joe's children. She'd dreamed about it, sometimes still did and when Joe reached out and squeezed her hand, she knew she wasn't the only one. 

"Just us, Iris." His voice was calm, quiet and Iris breathed an unmistakable sigh of relief. 

"Thank goodness," she said and she must have realised how that sounded because she held up her hands as she added, "I don't mean... It's just... one secret sibling is enough for a lifetime, you know?" 

Caitlin smiled at the joke and Joe did too. But then his face fell and his hand went slack in Caitlin's. "Joe?" She turned to him in alarm. "What's wrong?"

"Wally." He ran his two hands over his face. "We thought everyone knew about us... we forgot about Wally." 

Caitlin's stomach felt like it had dropped into her shoes. "Maybe..." Iris's voice was careful. "Maybe we should tell him. Everything." Joe narrowed his eyes and she hurriedly added, "Dad, after everything that's happened, all the secrecy, all the hiding... he's part of this family. He deserves to know." 

Joe looked over at Caitlin. "What do you think?" 

She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. "I... don't... know." She shrugged. "I've only met him a couple of times, twenty years ago... I don't know how he'll react..."

Joe's lips twitched. "First time in twenty years I've heard you say that." Caitlin smiled too because while she'd worked very hard not to tell him specific details of the future, there had been times when she'd steered him a certain direction, times when he'd let her. 

"A whole new world." A world, Caitlin realised, where for the first time in two decades, she didn't know what would happen next, had no idea of what was to come. It was scary but when Joe reached out again, took her hand in his, it didn't seem quite so overwhelming. 

"Well," Iris said, "as a wise man has often told me..." Her eyes twinkled with merriment as she crossed the room to stand beside them, reaching out and taking Caitlin's other hand, "When in doubt? Eat." 

"That's good advice." Joe's smile could have lit up the room, if not the city and Caitlin might not have known where they were going to go from here but she knew they would get there together.

And that was more than enough. 

It was everything. 


	14. Epilogue

"Honey, I'm home!" 

Caitlin wiped her hands in a dish towel as she walked into the living room, a wide smile coming to her face as she heard Joe's voice. "You've been waiting to say that," she accused and he didn't even try to deny it. 

"For almost twenty years," he agreed, looping an arm around her waist and kissing her. "And, I almost forgot." From behind his back, he pulled out a bunch of flowers, kissing her on the cheek as he presented them to her. 

Laughing with sheer delight, Caitlin headed into the kitchen in search of a vase. "To what do I owe the honour?"

"What, a guy can't surprise his lady?" His voice was muffled but she could tell he was smiling. When he followed her into the kitchen, he'd taken off his suit jacket and his tie, was undoing the top button of his shirt before moving on to the cuffs. 

"They're beautiful," she told him and he chuckled as he shook his head. 

"I got them at the place down the street," he told her, lips twisted, nose wrinkled. "Not a lot to choose from." 

"Stop it." She shot him a playful glare. "It's the thought that counts." She busied herself with arranging the flowers as he pulled a beer from the refrigerator. "So is this where I, the little woman, asks about your day?" She was teasing him and he knew it, chuckling as he raised the bottle to his lips. 

"Only if you congratulate me for the temporary promotion I'm about to get." That diverted her attention from the flowers in a hurry as her head snapped around to him, her eyes narrowed in curiosity. As one of the senior detectives in the precinct, there weren't that many promotions left for Joe to get. "David called me into the office today... he's taking some leave." He pulled his phone out of his pocket as he spoke, put down his beer and began pressing the screen. When he found what he wanted, a soft smile spread across his lips. "Paternity leave," he said, passing her the phone and Caitlin gasped, first in surprise at the news, then in admiration at the picture he was showing her. 

The first thing she saw was the shock of dark hair, sticking up in every direction. Then she noticed the huge brown eyes staring at the camera. The third thing she noticed was what she actually commented on. "Oh look at her little cheeks..." Belatedly she realised she'd turned into one of those crazy women who love to smoosh children's cheeks and she waited for Joe to tease her about it. 

He didn't though, just reached over her shoulder and zoomed in on the photo so that the pink blanket vanished and the baby's face filled the screen. "Amelia Rose," Joe said. "Born two months ago to a surrogate... they get to take her home this weekend." 

"That's a pretty name," Caitlin murmured, unable to take her eyes off the baby. She only came back to herself when Joe's hand landed gently on her shoulder, squeezing softly. Her eyes met his and she leaned against him for a moment as she laid the phone face down on the counter. "And how are your kids?" 

The fact that his hand dropped and he went for his beer was all the answer she needed. "Barry almost had his butt handed to him by the meta human of the week..." 

Caitlin hid her smile in the flowers. "I saw the news." 

"Iris is still having issues with her boss..." Joe sighed. "She's not telling me what they are, but considering how Barry seems to want to turn into the Incredible Hulk every time he's mentioned, I've got a fairly good idea." 

Joe paused and Caitlin took a deep breath. "And Wally?" Because in the two months since Joe had come clean to Wally, she'd been to their house a few times but it had always seemed a little awkward. Which, Caitlin knew, was to be expected, given the circumstances. Wally was still reeling from the loss of his mother, still trying to get to know his dad and his sister. Finding out about their secret lives and then being faced with his father's secret girlfriend, who he'd met looking twenty years younger only months ago, on top of that? Well, it was a lot for him to take in. 

It was a lot for Caitlin to take in, and she'd lived it all. 

"Wally... is good." Joe looked more relaxed than he had in quite some time when Caitlin had asked that question. "He's crushing on Jesse pretty hard, kid thinks none of us have noticed..." He took a pull of his beer. "We all had dinner together today, he actually asked where you were..." Caitlin knew her eyebrows must have flown up towards her hairline and Joe just nodded. "Said what kind of family dinner is it if your girlfriend's not here." 

Caitlin's cheeks grew warmer, a warmth that seemed to start deep in her chest and spread upwards. "That's nice of him." It seemed harder to get the words out than she'd expected and she went back to arranging her flowers, not talking again until she was finished and she carried them into the living room, putting them on the sideboard where she could see them every day. 

"That's not the only invitation we got today." 

Joe's voice was very close to her and when she turned, he was standing right behind her. It didn't seem to be the kind of question that required an answer so she just tilted her head and waited. "David was saying that he and Rob are going to have some kind of naming ceremony for the baby... Something small, but my name's on the list... And apparently Rob's got a friend from work that they want me to meet." 

Caitlin didn't try to keep back her smile - Joe's ever inventive excuses for why he couldn't be fixed up with someone had been a source of great amusement to her over the years. "And what did you tell him?"

But Joe wasn't smiling when his hands rested on her hips and he looked into her eyes. "This time, I went with the truth," he said, and Caitlin's breath caught in her throat. "I told him I'd been seeing someone for a while now... that I'm very serious about her." His fingers flexed on her hips. "He told me I should bring you along, that he'd love to meet you." 

Caitlin's heart was, for some reason, beating fast in her chest and it was suddenly hard to find words. Her hands landed on Joe's chest and, to her surprise, his heart was beating just as quickly. "I'd like that," she heard herself whisper. 

A slight smile greeted the words. "Me too," he said. "Then I realised... Cait, I don't want to just make it work-official." Caitlin narrowed her eyes, unsure of what he meant, but it all suddenly became clear when he reached into his pocket, taking out a small, square black box. 

Caitlin's hand went to her lips, because there was only one thing that could mean. 

Time seemed to slow down as Joe opened up the box, revealing a diamond solitaire on a gold band, winking in the light. Though she hadn't seen her old engagement ring in twenty years, Caitlin knew that this one was easily twice the size and the implications of that made her head spin. "Joe..." she whispered, "this is too much..." 

She looked up at him in amazement and he shrugged. "A couple of bucks a week over eighteen years adds up," he said simply and as she was digesting that, working out how much faith he'd had in her, in them, all those years, he moved, slowly going down on one knee, still holding out the box to her. 

"Cait," he said, "I know things haven't always been easy for us. And I know, with the way things are in our lives, they probably won't ever be. But I love you. I have loved you ever since you ran out on me in that nightclub... maybe even before that. We've lived the last nineteen years on scraps of time, making do with whatever we can... I don't want to do that any more." Tears blurred Caitlin's vision as he took her hand in his, squeezed it tightly. "I want a life... with you... forever. And I promised you... a long time ago... that when all the secrets were out, I'd have a question for you. So..." He took a deep breath, like he was nervous, like he didn't already know the answer. "Cait Raymond... will you marry me?"

Just like that, memories of the last twenty years ran through Caitlin's mind, all the fears, all the pain, all the hurt. But not just those memories, but good ones too, memories of friends and laughter and love and, in all of those, Joe's constant presence, his warmth, his smile, grounding her when the world seemed so strange, so alien. 

She looked into his eyes and nodded her head as she leaned down to kiss him, whispering the only word she needed to say as their lips touched. 

"Yes." 


End file.
